Bammy Does Think

Ummm...

2011-01-11T10:01:00.001-06:00

Not one post in 2010? wow... I either suck ass.. or.. am too busy with work.. or.. too busy in my free time playing mafia wars... Pick one...

Buckeye needs to WIN BIG!!

2009-07-13T17:40:00.001-05:00

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A Big Ole Change

2009-07-03T14:04:00.003-05:00

See her? Up there? Yeah.. the one on the left...My most beautiful and much loved Goddaughter.. has up and moved.. to Florida! Yeah I know.. something about wanting to be with the man she loves... GAH!! I was blessed enough to have her over for a slumber (or lack of it) party last night.. Fitting.. as she spent her first night after moving back up here with me.. before she went to the dorm for college.. Now she spent her last night with me before she went to start her new life and have many new adventures.

I am not opposed to tellin ya'll.. I shed big ole crocodile tears this morning at 4 am when she pulled out of the driveway. (Thank you to my darlin girlfriend for making sure I was awake to see her off!!) All I could hear in my head was that song.. "There goes my life..." I know I didn't give birth to her.. But I have never been as close to a baby.. child.. young lady and young adult as I have been with her. I know I have had an impact on her life.. Little reasons I know that.. like.. Yes Pam.. I change my oil every other time I get my hair cut... which.. apparently is about every 3 to 4 thousand miles.. It's her logic ya'll.. roll with it!

There is nothing more satisfying in the world to see such a beautiful baby grow up an be the self assured, intelligent beautiful young woman she has become.. She is off to start a whole new life with her betrothed.. a newly graduated Marine.. BOOYAHH!! In my head I know she will do just fine.. They have plans.. they are sticking to them.. In my heart.. I can still see that 5 year old.. wanting to play.. to swim in the back yard.. I see the first grader.. her whole persona changing from baby.. to kid.. walking onto the school property her first day of school.. The teenager.. dance team .. graduation.. college... all that... mercy good golly..

Randi.. I will miss those "are you hungry?" phone calls.. and those movie reviews cause you know I will probably never see them.. except when you give me the "movie assignments."

I love you more than life lil girl... All it ever takes is one phone call.. and you have the cavalry at your door.. I am glad you know that..

I love you.. be safe..

My Brother Has Aged...

2009-04-22T20:57:00.002-05:00

Not me mind you.. but brother dear... We were talking tonight about his upcoming housing adventure... Ya know.. since I have a tiny little bit of experience now in that area... We talked about bills paid versus.. not bills paid.. location.. etc... Mind you.. this is the older rock and roll till i die (or my eardrums split) brother...

Him: "Well I am thinking about a seniors complex"
Me: "OMG you're old!!"
Him: "Well ya know.. it is quieter."

I fell the hell right out...
That was the best laugh I have had in years...

Just For You Risley...

2009-03-26T21:36:00.001-05:00

I heard on the radio today.. that they do tree counts all across the United States.. Guess what state has the most TREES??

Texas... WHO KNEW???

I Am Still Here...

2009-03-24T19:31:00.002-05:00

I have been too quiet on my blog. That point has been made to me... I don't do well with change. Not the nickle and dime stuff, but, you know, LIFE STUFF. My house is all mine again. Blondie moved out.. with.. ohhhhh about 3 hours notice. Ok.. so she took her clothes and dog... everything else is still here. Apparently I am only "family" when it is convenient.

I did think this was going to affect my relationship with not only my Goddaughter, but with the pseudo grandkids as well. I am fortunate and happy to report, it has not. I don't think anything can affect the relationship with my precious goddaughter. She knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will always be in her corner, I will always back her and I am always on her side. besides.. I know a really BIG secret she has!!!

I got to spend the day last week with the Lil Princess and her brother and parents. We went to eat pizza.. we played games.. we went bowling.. and Lil Princess pouted BIG TIME cause she didn't get to stay and play with me and Buckeye. I can even begin to describe how my heart filled at that moment!! sigh...

I had a long 2 week break from the gym.. I guess I thought 12 pounds down and I was good... Ehh.. not so much.lol.. I am getting back in the swing of things.. I just feel better when I go, that's really the bottom line. There was I guess a lot of crap in my head and I retreated into myself. Yeah.. doing exactly what I tell my clients is dangerous and bad for them to do..

I am training for a new part time job.. teaching some D*W*I classes. the extra money sure will come in handy right now. Nuff said huh?

What else? Oh.. Ya'll know I just think Obama is wonderful.. but dayummm... The new taxes on cigarettes? I am thinking it will be a double edged sword.. I know I just ot priced out of the smoking thing. yes.. good for me.. I have 2 packs left before I go back on the Chan*tix.. A carton has gone up.. or will have gone up by April 1.. about 20%... if not a little more.. Bammy's budget got blown on that.. Its either smokes or Buckeye's lil bones..lol.. Who wins on that one? But of course the wonderful puppy love...

Ok.. I am all out of words for right now... I will leave you with this.. I am having an affair with facebook.. chuckling... So many little games to play.. so many little back and forths... I just lubs it.. Although.. I am now addicted to Mafia Wars.. and I NEED PEOPLE IN MY MAFIA!! hahahaha...

Later ya'll...

Reality....

2009-02-22T08:53:00.005-06:00

Let's see.. in the last 2 weeks.. I have known 4 people who died... Blondie is moving out.. and umm.. let's see... oh I guess that's enough.. I will leave the really bad stuff for another time...

Reality is a bitch is it not?

Things I Have Learned...

2009-02-16T18:44:00.002-06:00

I have recently learned something about being a middle aged lesbian with no kids... That is, I have come to realize, my only regret in life. Sure you have your blood family, even if you are not close to all of them. I am close to my parents now.. my brothers.. ehh.. not so much. I have a step sister that I see on holidays and such...

What I think people like me tend to do.. is fall into extended families. your friends families become yours and to an extent.. you become part of theirs. I had a death in my extended family this week. It was Blondie's grandkids grandpa... A very good man.. I respected him a great deal for his character.. his integrity.. and the most awesome love he showed for his grandkids.. They were all the light of his life.

What I found out though.. is I don't fit anywhere in this process.. My heart absolutely broke tonight when I saw the grandkids at his memorial.. a 5 and 9 year old.. their little bodies heaving as tears streamed down their faces.. and I could do nothing at all. I am a "fixer" and this one thing.. I could not fix.

I am not part of that family.. that was shown to me today.. It was shown to me very clearly.. I don't think anything that happened was meant in an exclusionary practice on purpose.. it just is what it is...Remember Sienfeld? I am Kramer... no one knows exactly why.. but I am always there...

I don't know if people think I don't hurt from this.. I do.. Do they think I am just supposed to accept it and move on? Maybe like something is missing, but since I am not "blood" it really shouldn't matter to me? that's just fucked up!

The funeral is tomorrow.. and yes.. I will attend.. and yes.. I will be shown that this is not MY family.. but I will be there to support them.. because in a weird way.. they are part of mine..

Maybe Bammy has been thinking too much today...

Rest in Peace Dick.. You were an awesome man.. Thank you.

Cause Sassy Asked...

2009-02-06T11:04:00.004-06:00

My lil corner of the office. We have 3 desks just like this.. right off the kitchen at the mission. See the picture frame on the left? That is my most prized possession. That's what says.. the Sate of Texas says I can do what I do...

Oh... I Feel Rotten...

2009-01-30T20:10:00.005-06:00

Not physically mind you.. But.. I had suspicions for a while now.. about our drug tests we use at work.. and so I tested myself tonight.. knowing the only medication I take is for thyroid issues.. and that isn't going to show...

Guess what? I tested positive for benzo's and a VERY faint line for THC. No.. I have not relapsed or done anything... but.. I called my boss.. and she tested herself.. she was positive for a slew of things.. and she's never done any drugs.. So.. not only do we have to order from a different company.. but I need to go find my client that came up "positive" in January.. Because apparently.. he wasn't positive after all...

I was filling out his application for housing.. and since that test.. he has had to go to outpatient.. and start his 6 months all over.. he's been all stand up about it though.. and just said he would do what he had to do.. now.. I get to fill out his housing application again.. and this time turn it in.. he will be my first client I will have put into housing.. I am excited for him!!!

He came from New Orleans in the aftermath of Katrina.... and tells me of terrible nightmares he has from trying to swim out... and running into body after body floating about.. I have referred him to a counselor for that.. since it is way out of my scope of practice... I hope it helps him.. I think he is a good guy.. just got caught up in drugs and lost his way for a while...

I'll be anxious to see the look on his face...

2009-01-25T21:12:00.002-06:00

The dog might still be here.. but my future son in law..(Godson in law?) seen above..is leaving in the morning for Marine Corps basic training.. I called him to wish him well and let him know he was loved and all that stuff...My final words of wisdom tonight? Keep your head down and your ass covered!!!

Ya know.. I have this nagging feeling.. that he and my Princess.. might have secretly gotten married.. hmmm.. Nothing to back it up.. just a feeling... They are such a cute lil couple though....

Lawrence.. please be careful out there.. My Princess is waiting for her Prince to come home.. DO NOT.. I repeat.. DO NOT.. disappoint her...

BOOOYAHHH!!!!

Well.. this does kinda fit me..

2009-01-25T21:10:00.001-06:00

Your Power Bird is a Cardinal

You believe that each day is precious, and you spend your times as best as you can.

You see the wonder in small things, and you are often content with what you have.

You life an interesting, colorful life - and you bring color to those around you.

Confident and expressive, you believe you know how to live a good life. You're living it!

What's Your Power Bird?

OK.. So...

2009-01-23T20:35:00.002-06:00

What's been happenin? Let me think.. Well.. I have had 2 clients relapse since the new Year.. Both of who I was gettin ready to put in housing.. now both have to wait another 6 months.. One almost lost her kids today to CPS.. AGAIN..

Why do I do what I do again? Why do I love it like I do? Days like today I question it.. I suppose because there are many more days when people seem grateful to be where they are. I know it may sound strange for someone to be glad they are in a shelter.. but I tell ya.. This is unlike any shlter I have ever seen or even heard about.. It is safe.. secure.. God based.. you get 3 meals a day.. and if you come with the clothes on your back.. you will have new or at least new to you.. clothes to wear...

It isn't surprising to me that it stays full a lot of the time.. what does surprise me is that people make choices that put them back on the street. I'm not sure if I do this job another 20 years.. that I will ever not be surprised by that. I hope not. I think when it quit surprising me.. then I will be no good for my clients...

Hope does spring eternal in me.. I firmly believe.. that anyone can do this thing.. That is.. getting and staying clean.. People might come to recovery in all sorts of ways.. but the thing is.. they do get there..

Thanks God.. for helping me and guiding me through one more day clean...

An Interview..

2009-01-09T15:18:00.003-06:00

OK.. The whimsical and colorful and sometimes very chatty Cedar has posed 5 questions to me that I am going to make an attempt to answer..

::::Gettin all comfy:::: ::::::Adjusting my eyes to the bright lights:::::

1. Bam, first thanks for being so brave. I have been your acquaintance and then your friend for over twelve years in that time you have been very open about your fight with drug addiction and your struggle to get clean. Twelve years ago did you ever imagine yourself being who you are today, clean and working with other addicts?

Ahhh.. No.. and I can remember once in rehab someone told me I might make a good counselor.. and I remember distinctly saying, "Oh HELL No!! I could not work with someone like ME!!" but the thing is.. I love what I do.. and I have learned.. I can tell someone how to get clean.. I can show someone how to stay clean... But until THEY want to learn those things.. and come to understand why they got high in the first place.. I am spinnin in the grass... I just love how the brain works though.. and watching the one or two people that "get" it? That.. is why I do what I do..

2. You are a Texan born and raised, have you ever thought about living anywhere else and what is it about Texas that has your heart?

I actually have lived other places.. and I would live in other places still.. but yes.. Texas is my home.. There is something about days like today.. January 9th.. and its almost 80 degrees.. and then in 2 days we might have an ice storm.. or a tornado.. or.. it be 80 degrees again.. What truly has my heart about Texas? It's a range of things.. Lady Bird Johnson's highway beautification program.. bluebonnets galore in the springtime.. The memory of Ann Richard's and the Dubya comment about him being born with a golden spoon in his mouth.. Brassy and Bold women come from here... The independence of Texas.. knowing we stood on our own and could do it again... The Yes Ma'am and No Sir.. and the #1 reason? Shoot.. springtime in Texas.. sit on a park bench downtown and you'll understand too...

3. So, your Blog said you reached fifty recently, do you have one “must do” in the next fifty years of your life?

Ah.. MUST do? I MUST kiss a Yankee... and I'm thinkin... always wanted to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for no good reason.. with a parachute of course...

4. People always talk about the gifts they receive at the holiday can you tell us about one special gift that you have given to someone?

When I was in rehab.. I developed a crush on a very special lady.. I didn't have any money to buy her anything.. So.. I got a piece of Hershey's nugget chocolate.. made a ring out of some paper and tape.. taped the chocolate to it.. and sent her a nugget ring...

5. On the home front, what house projects do you have coming up in 2009?
Wow.. I am in the midst of ripping out the ceiling in the garage.. to drop it down and make an attic for storage space... I am really wanting my garage back instead of that big place I call.. "That room where I put stuff cause I have no where else to put it.. room"

OK... I think I did ok.. :::wipin my sweaty palms off on my jeans:::
There are rules to this... I was supposed to post them.. but I am at work.. and.. well.. I'm not.. but.. I am supposed to tell you iffn you wanna be interviewed too.. Let me know and I will create some questions for ya.. *Or get Cedar to help me..lol

A Whole Lotta TMI...

2009-01-08T06:47:00.003-06:00

Just cause I thought this was hysterical last night... To preface.. I have a urinary tract infection.. yeah That's the TMI part... I have never had one before.. So.. I happened to think my hoo hoo was betraying me... but.. I tried the cranberry juice.. no good.. I tried Azo. ... (CVS's version anyway) to no avail.. finally called the doctor and begged her to call in a script.. I figured I could pay for the office visit.. or the script.. whichever came first... she finally did... ok..

Also.. you have to know that Blondie's granddaughter.. was having a chat with her Dad while bathing one night. She's 5. He was telling her she's growing up and her body is gonna change.. blah blah.. right? So.. Princess looks him dead in the eye.. giggles and says, "Yeah Daddy.. I am gonna grow FUR!!"

Fast forward to me picking up the prescription from Kr*ger... I get home with the magic bag o pills that will change my life.. and.. what to my wondering eyes should appear... but the generic name...my friends... the first word of the name?

Nitrofur....

Yes.... my hoo hoo is now nitro powered...

I will do it...

2009-01-04T16:14:00.002-06:00

I will answer your questions Risley... I just need a minute.. a good friend of mine from school/work/play lost his Dad yesterday... Been with him this morning.. and just not in a place right now...

Send good wishes to the family please... His Dad was a good man... loved his son unconditionally.. which means a lot... at least he saw his son.. clean.. sober and happy.. and doing a job I am inspired to live up to...
Love you Kevin...

OK.. So...

2008-12-29T18:30:00.006-06:00

What was your favorite present that Santa brought you? I'll give you a hint what mine was...

Got it? lol.. Here is another hint...

or.. for those of you who either aren't 12.. or don't know anyone who is.. besides ME of course... it was this...

Apparently.. Dad thought I was a good kid this year.. He wanted me to have something I could have some fun with.. and Oh.. My.. is it ever fun.. Of course.. I am thinkin.. they need Guitar Hero.. the Country Version... I have never.. ever.. heard of some of these songs.. and now that I have... well.. hmm... what the heck.. I LOVE THIS GAME!!!
Thanks Dad and Mom!!!

Lifetd From A Few Folks...

2008-12-17T20:51:00.002-06:00

Just cause I wanted to know..lol.. and then.. it says 0% of 4k plus.. are like me.. Go figure..

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Lifelong Learning Self-Improving Self-Knower

Another Full Circle In The Making....

2008-12-09T21:14:00.003-06:00

A little over 9 years ago... My oldest brother told me.. "You are a (Insert special surname here).. face it.. You are a junkie." Well.. ok.. so some things big brother tells you are a fact... That and Dad is the Easter Bunny...

Well.. tonight I picked up said brother from the bus station.. and took him to the mission.. He has been living under a bridge down by Houston for the last couple years.. Yeah.. He said Ike was a bitch to ride out... Anyway... Brother forgot that he too is a (Insert special surname here) and he is a junkie.. He thought a beer was ok to have on the weekend.. then a 6 pack.. then a case.. then some heroin.. and well.. the slippery slope slides down into losing the job.. the house.. the wife.. and on it goes...

He finally gave up the fight after another stint as a guest of the State of Texas.. county style... Hopefully.. he will put forth the effort and do what he needs to do now.. Screening.. assessment.. and rehab.... oh my...

So... off and running to complete the circle again... its very close...

Stuff

2008-12-04T06:46:00.002-06:00

I am on a determined binge to hit the gym 4 nights a week... I had my "free physical assessment" last night.. which is really key words for.. "I'm gonna work your body till you scream.. and then do my best to talk you into paying extra for that bullying" I enjoyed the workout.. but it's just not in the budget to pay for that... I am on a mission though.. it seems my butt no longer resembles the one I had when I was so proud of it...That.. and seems a number of pounds have also crept in and took hold which I am no longer wanting to support and send to buildings of higher education with me..

I also got to talk with my first schizophrenic type person yesterday... That was eye opening.. Seems like Father Earth was holding a knife to her throat with a bag of crack...He was a determined lil cuss too... It made me realize I still want to learn more.. I want to be a COPSD Specialist.. which is Co-occurring Psychological and Substance Abuse dis*orders.. which in my humble opinion.. catches about 80% of all substance abusers... You have to treat them both before any good progress is made.. so.. I just need to learn more.. I LOVE TO LEARN!!!

I am missing someone right now.. so very much...

My Turn To Beg...

2008-12-03T15:54:00.003-06:00

If you happen to live in the Fort Worth - Dallas area....

Adopt-a-Family

Please join Rec*very Res*urce Council this Holiday Season in helping to provide holiday gifts to underprivileged men, women, and children. Project New Start, which houses chronically homeless individuals, is in need this holiday season. If you are interested in adopting or sponsoring someone, please contact me via comment or email and I will give you the contact numbers...

With your help, we can give men, women, and children a wonderful and joyous holiday

Good Times...

2008-12-01T18:06:00.002-06:00

Such a good time was had this last week at Bammy's house... Although Blogger won't let me upload pictures... (the 2nd day in a row) I can tell you.. 2 kidlets.. and 4 adults... plus 3 more adults and another dog (total 2 dogs and 3 cats) made for a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!!!
We were Wii'ed out!!! Movies galore.. and something about www. funbrain.c0m that makes a 5 year old squeal...lol...
ok.. Here's some pictures... I heart these kids!!
There was just one person missing...

It Is A Cross Between....

2008-11-20T06:49:00.002-06:00

Oh My GOD!!! and neener neener neener... to all those people who were takin bets to see if I would make it to 35.. HA!!! And in my wonderment of HOW.. gosh dangit.. you betcha.. I made it to 50!!!

I just know God has a plan for me.. otherwise.. by all logical reason and definition.. I would have been dead years ago... Now I;m not sure if I wanna know the plan.. cause then I might have outlived my usefullness..lol...

Anyway.. Thanks God!!! I love this life you gave me!!!

This Sucks...

2008-11-08T21:34:00.002-06:00

I got a call today.. One of the kids that was in the rehab I volunteer at got killed.. driving around with some friends.. they were all drunk.. he was the only one who got killed... Such a waste...

Billy.. I know God will welcome you with open arms... You are free now....

Thank You!!!!

2008-11-04T22:45:00.002-06:00

To Senator McCain...

Thank you for running a very tough campaign.. Thank you for persisting to the very end.. and Thank you for a wonderful concession speech tonight...

To President elect Obama.....

Thank you.. for fighting the good fight.. Thank you for bringing HOPE to our country.. Thank you for evolving peoples thoughts and minds into believing our country deserves better than it has gotten..

To Senator McCain.. AND President elect Obama..
THANK YOU!!! For making this election the MOST watched.. the MOST active and THE MOST... absolutely.... by far.. the most intriguing.. exciting.. exasperating.. history breaking and making election there will probably be in my lifetime!

I think I could almost cry... But all I can say right now.. is.. just... wow... that's all.. just.. wow....

An Inspiring Message....

2008-11-03T20:39:00.002-06:00

GET THE HELL OUT AND VOTE!!

Thank you...

Bammy

NEXT on Dancing With The Stars!!!

2008-11-02T20:20:00.002-06:00

I Am Tired of Being Quiet...

2008-10-27T20:47:00.002-05:00

OK.. I am back!!! Did the great ~~masses~~ 2 of you who read my blog miss me? Well folks.. it has been an ~~exciting~~ quiet time of my life.. I have been rabid with politics and didn't think I should subject yall to that.. but.......

OMG people!!! The crap that has been spewed about Obama that I have read is just unfreaking believable!! Muslim, anti Christ, messiah, Socialist, Communist, terrorist pal, wtf ever!!! We have gotten into quite a pickle in our country.. the wars we created... guaranteeing many generations to come of people who hate America because of who we are...Our economy is in the veritable toilet... people who ran companies into the ground.. wiped out in some cases peoples life savings.. walk away with kazillion dollars in golden parachutes... The stock market is in it's worst shape in recent years...

John McCain... caribou barbie... wtf was he thinking? her accomplishments of.. being mayor of a town where most towns that size have part time mayors.. went into the job with a debt of a couple million.. left it with a debt of 23 million... Yeah she raised taxes on the "rich oil companies" and gave the bounty to all Alaskan citizens... all well and good right? but when Obama plans to do something similar? It is SOCIALISM my peeps.. Which side of her face is she talking about?

McCain.. he of fiscal responsibility.. campaign finance reform.. he who stated.. campaign money should not be spent on things like.. umm CLOTHES?? Spends a cool 150,000 on.. oh.. CLOTHES!!! and little Sarah could only say.. They showed up.. i wore them.. didn't even want them... Fuckin A DOO DAH!!!

People have gotten so out of control that a misguided girl... carve a BACKWARDS B in her OWN FACE!!! to state only that a large black man did it because she was a McCain supporter.... and I will wager.... some bassackwards something.. will believe that and attempt to spread it as gospel even though she admitted it was a lie...

Tax breaks? they say it will never work.. if you raise taxes on the rich and the big corporations.. who will create the jobs? Well googly moogly.. they have HAD the tax cuts for a few years now.. how many jobs have been created? Whats the unemployment rate right now? yeah...

OK.. breathing great big cleansing breath....

On other news.. I have 3 days off from work.. company paid.. Sounds like a great time yes? Well... Seems like I got tested for TB.. and had a positive reaction.. not positive for general public standards.. but positive for working in a high risk field.. I had the chest x ray this morning and it showed negative.. but have to get the radiologists report to be sure.. so.. they said.. No problem.. take a break.. have some fun..lol.. not really but ya know.. I have had a flu shot.. Hep A and B.. and the TB test.. My arms hurt right now.. I hope there's nothing else I need for the foreseeable future..

I do still love my job!!! I am gettin ready to put my first client into housing.. he's a good guy.. from Katrina... It's hard as hell getting someone a birth certificate without an ID.. cause you cant get an ID without a birth certificate.. We have been working on this for 2 months now...So close...

OK.. i think yall must be sufficiently ~~thrilled~~ bored to tears now.. I will close.. I'll be back..

I Am Going To Hide For A While....

2008-09-23T20:57:00.004-05:00

Unless something earth shattering happens.. or something changes... I think I will...

Until then my friends.. Remember this...

And the best for last....

What Can 2.9 Million Dollars Do?

2008-09-17T21:21:00.004-05:00

Ya know.. for being in a decidedly Red State, Fort Worth is a decidedly progressive city. We have protections for gays and lesbians in housing and employment.. We have light rail to and from our neighboring suburb of Dallas.. We have what is ranked the #1 Dog Park (Fort Woof) in the United States.. We have a dynamic downtown that isn't deserted at night and where you don't have to have a police escort to walk around in...

We have many more beautiful aspects of our fair city.. but the best thing.. that I have heard this month.. is that the City Council just passed it's budget. Yes.. times are tight... duplicate positions were eliminated.. belts were tightened. The greatest beneficiary (IMHO) for all this.. is the homeless population. The Council added 2.9 million dollars for various programs in their 10 year plan for a bed for every head.

Fort Worth I will admit is a great place to be homeless. I had no idea when I was homeless that there were places one could get food and shelter. We have 3 major shelters here.. One.. ehh.. I wouldn't so much recommend.. and it amazes me.. that so many people are connected with these 3. It is very sad that there are 3.. in the way that there is a need for them.

Hopefully.. with 2.9 million dollars.. we can diminish that number of people on Lancaster by a large percentage...

Thank You Mayor Moncrief.. and Honorable City Council members...

Mom...

2008-09-16T22:23:00.002-05:00

Mom.. the police called me on this day.. 28 years ago.. to tell me you were gone.. I don't know if I will ever be the same.. I love you.. I miss you.. I know you are watching.. so I am trying to be good...

Do your part to combat domestic violence..

FUBAR Revisited..

2008-09-14T21:25:00.003-05:00

Well We skipped out on any storms over the weekend.. but oh my.. galveston.. a perennial favorite of mine.. is just about gone.. just watching the news brought tears to my eyes.. I have been in touch with all the people I know in Houston.. except for my brothers.. bastages don't think to call...The one bro that lives in a tent.. last Dad heard.. a cop told him to go down the street and try and ride it out in a car wash.. so much for the offers of shelters... assholes..

FEMA is still lagging behind in the ice and water department.. no surprise there... Michael Cherkoff is quoted as saying.. "Houston didn't tell anyone that the had to set up distribution points." OH MY GOD!!! They have no power.. no gas.. no communication... Did he think people were gonna be able to fucking WALK there? Seriously!!! (Breathe....breathe....) Seeing the news.. I am thinking bro that lives in La Porte.. doesn't have much of a house left.. which he just finished remodeling...

OK.. in other news.. we got about 2 sprinkly showers out of it.. no wind or anything like that... yards moved.. Blondie's car got new brakes this afternoon.. I am so productive since I don't work weekends anymore...

Keep Our people in your prayers... they will need it..

Thar She Blows!!!

2008-09-12T20:49:00.003-05:00

Well.. seems like Ike is blowin into Texas with a vengeance.. I just talked to my Dad.. I have 2 brothers that live down there.. One lives in La Porte.. 2 miles from Galveston Bay.. he is right now on the north side of Houston in a hotel.. the other brother.. well. he prefers to sleep in a tent and panhandle his way to retirement.. he is also.. somewhere on the north side of Houston... might I ask for your prayers for them..

In other news... i think for the first time in my life.. I heard these words yesterday.."You are under a tropical storm wind warning." Dang.. I live in North Central Texas!!! But ole Ike.. is almost as big as Texas.. so.. I have my hatches battened... I love storms.. so this could be a fun weekend.. We really aren't supposed to get much.. 35 - 50 mph winds.. and 2 - 4 inches of rain.. I just love the rain so I don't have to water the yard..lol..

And on a down note.. I had to discharge a client today... seems like.. the area of homeless people is quite small.. and she was seen.. being patted down by the po po.. One surprise drug test and 3 lies and a confession later.. she came up on the short end of the stick.. it hurts my heart.. but I know there are people out there who need this program.. who want this program.. and will be willing to do what it takes to recover...

Knowing I have a brother out there.. who apparently chooses to be homeless.. I will never understand that.. I guess.. "Freedom's just another word for.. nothing left to lose...."

Home Sweet Home...

2008-09-07T22:16:00.002-05:00

Dorothy pegged it.. there's no place like home.. I spent the week in Austin.. attending a conference for the homeless network.. Might i say.. watching the sunrise over downtown Austin.. whilst sitting in the hot tub.. is very cool... Counter point to that was.. when the sun did rise... you could see the Salvation Army below.. and the homeless of Austin hanging out hoping for breakfast...

I learned a lot.. Mostly.. that what I think is best for a client.. might be best.. but.. if it isnt what they want.. then.. whats the use.. but.. there are ways.. to get both things completed...Just like when you have an egotistical boss.. al ya gotta do is make them think it is their idea.. Not that they are egotistical.. just sometimes a car isnt the most pressing need when you dont have anything but a box to sleep in...

Anyway.. it is good to be home.. I am on a mission now.. to get the population of the mission registered to vote.. YES!! It IS possible to get registered without exactly having a place the post office recognizes as an address..

My other mission is to campaign for the universal living wage.. Check it out.. Click here for further information It makes a lot of sense to me...

Ok.. My tummy is queasy.. and I still need to make up some cuddle time with my buckeye..

Night Ya'll

Busy Week Coming Up...

2008-09-02T00:34:00.002-05:00

I have something to do this week.. I will be able to tell you about it.. possibly Friday... All I can say right now is.. I am pretty excited.. and.. it is something I have never done before...
Whoever guesses the correct "thing" will win.. umm.. my admiration for ohh at least minutes!!!
Be well...
Oh and.. just for good measure...(Click to see it enlarged if you are like me and can't see squat..

An Open Letter To Charlie..

2008-08-27T23:05:00.003-05:00

Charlie...
I published your comment because I don't want you to think I am ashamed, embarrassed or feel guilty in anyway over what happened. I promised your mother I would look out for you. YOU promised your mother you would do the right thing. We had an agreement Charlie.. that I would keep money on your books for the time you were in prison. I did that.. I did that to the tume of $150.00 a month.. while you were also telling your sister and Erin (for a while) that I was NOT putting any money on your books so they would send you some too. yes, your little girlfriends from prison called.. we had long talks about how you were the "big baller shot caller" in prison cause you had all this money on your books. they had nothig to gain by telling me how you acted and the things you said.. The rest of our agreement was that you get out.. GET A JOB AND STAY CLEAN!!!! If you didn't do that.. you knew the consequences.. they were made perfectly clear.. yes I am still clean.. I intend to stay that way.. but mark my words.. you will NEVER make me feel guilty for setting my boundaries and not letting you drag me down in the muck that you love to live in.

I tried to go see you.. seems at though you got out of the halfway house.. and made your sister crazy not knowing where you were.. I did hear that you moved in with kim.. under the same agreement.. YOU STAY CLEAN!!! but you couldn't do that.. even then... and she made you leave also..

You stole more from me than just things Charlie.. you stole faith and trust.. you stole a part of my Dad.. When you looked me in the eye and lied right to me.. that made me realize that how I felt.. how what you did affected my life.. didn't matter one bit to you... You try and choke me.. and don't "GET IT" when I do what I have to do to ensure my safety?

I realize that you think your world ended when your mother died.. ya know what? that is such a sad excuse .. that was your chance to step up and live a life that your mother would be proud of... Do you think you did that? Vickie lost her child.. and she is still getting on with life.. marcy lost a child.. she is still moving... I lost my mother.. not to a disease.. but to a cold blooded bastard that thought a gun would be the answer.. then as mad as I was and the pure hate that I felt for that man.. Then he killed himself and I didn't have a chance to tell him to go to hell.. Life does not stop Charlie.. when bad things happen.. Thats the chance you get to show what you are made of...

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get off your ass and do something with your life.... You are a talented and personable person when you want to be... You have a way of interacting with people that I would love to have... but thats your gift.. not mine..

And yeah.. I do help homeless people. they have to want to get clean and stay clean.. and be willing to live at the shelter for 6 months while LIVING LIFE!!! not existing and thinking that the world owes them a living because their mom died.. i am so envious that you had her for more than twice the years I had my mom.. Mine was murdered when I was 22 Charlie.. be gratfeul that you had your mom around until your 40's.... hell be grateful for SOMETHING!!!

maybe you should try and see how life is being clean.. it took me 17 months of working at it.. until I thought I could live on my own again... but.. it is up to you.. you can either wallow in your bullshit.. or make a choice to stand up and get back into living life... Its your choice.. you've chosen drugs over your family, friends and yourself... for most of your 49 years... how's it workin for ya?

P.S. "I" did not cause the devastatin you feel.. and "I" am not the one who took your whole world.. and finally "I" am NOT the reason you will never live on Gay Ave... look in the mirror...

News Flash.. Just Caught.. Bush In Action..

2008-08-17T23:14:00.002-05:00

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Wow...

2008-08-16T22:40:00.002-05:00

For anyone who remembers the trial and tribulations of getting my garage cleaned out.. I did the same with my back porch today.. Although I think the garage took 2 days.. and was put out for the trash people to come get.. which.. meant restacking it every day because people kept stopping by and just KNEW there was something in that pile of trash that was inherently valuable.. and they should dismantle the entire pile looking for ii...

Bammy took a smart pill after that.. and today we went to the dump.. TWO truckloads.. to the dump... I am amazed that people keep some of the things I saw out there.. Old hedge clippers that have been rusted together since 1949.. plastic pots that have sat in the sun so long that when you pick them up.. literally they fall apart in your hands..

I realize.. that Home Chicken had lived in this house almost her entire life..and her mom and dad touched those things out there.. but dayummm.. trash is trash.. I went through a stage where I kept some of my mom's things for that very reason.. and to this day.. I still have some "Yahtzee" score sheets that she used.. yeah.. hokey.. but yeah.. sentimental... But crapity crap crap that has gotten so old it bears no resemblance to the person to whom I was wanting to hold onto? No.. its gotta go..

So.. I have a very cool.. very clean back porch now.. I can envision bbq's and the like finally happening out there...I am tired.. and probably going to be sore cause I dont think the muscles I used today have been used in a while.. yeah.. I know .. a little more activity wouldn't hurt me.. baby steps.. lol.. I am working on cutting out dr. peppers.. I only had one today.. which in itself is a major miracle..I usually have anywhere from 8 to 10... TEA!!!!.. is my new mantra.. We drink about a gallon a day here on Gay Ave. Although I think it might have more caffeine in it.. which is why I might be rambling on and on about nothing.. So.. I will close now.. and be off the clean the inside of the dryer vent thingie.. gah!!! I need more to do... Later ya'll..

Yes.. Still here...

2008-08-14T18:47:00.003-05:00

And I must say.. I have never been more content with my professional life!!! I absolutely LOVE what I am doing now.. I get to do a little counseling.. get some people into treatment.. and prod them to use their God given talents to make their lives just a little bit better.. Sometimes.. a lot better.

The program I am working with.. Takes homeless people who have used drugs and/or alcohol in the last 30 days.. and pays for them to go to treatment. Once they have successfully completed that.. they come live at the shelter for about 6 months and work the program there.. attend meetings and such. They are required to go look for a job. We pay for their first months rent. give them a one month bus pass.. and like any good momma bird.. gently ~~throw them into space~~ nudge them out of the tree. If they remain clean.. and compliant with the program.. after 6 months.. we refer them to appropriate housing...

I do very intensive case management.. Meaning.. yeah I am THE bug up their ass about stuff.. Part of my job is helping them obtain what they need.. so many people ( as I was one of them) in that position need so many things that most take for granted. Do you have a drivers license.. birth certificate.. social security card.. Would you know how to replace all those without spending money? Without transportation to go do that? It seems like these souls are overwhelmed at the tasks of just putting together the foundation that will be firm enough to allow them to rebuild their lives.

I am very blessed.. I am very grateful.. and I WILL make a difference, if just to one heart..

Thanks God!!!

Well.. Looky What I Missed...

2008-08-03T20:54:00.003-05:00

This is how I know I need to not be so immersed in my little cacoon here on Gay Ave. Who the hell knew they had a National Orgasm Day?

Here are partial results from som random British survey:

Survey Results:
Nearly half of all women are not getting their share of orgasms!
The G-spot is not a myth. Women who cannot identify their G-spot rarely have orgasms
75% of older women claim they have a G-spot, but a third of under 25s can't find it.
(Yes... age does have its benefits)

Now the following is why I think it is good to be a lesbian...
72% say they are aware of their G-spot but its location varies significantly!
Yes we are an exploratory crowd..
50% place it just inside their vagina and 35% deep inside.
Hmmm....
The remaining 15% locate it elsewhere!
Like I said.. adventurous and exploratory..

Ehh.. just something I found being bored on a Sunday night...

Oh My....

2008-07-31T17:52:00.004-05:00

I am over the top ecstatic.. Cedar.. Since you asked..I had the best day ever!!! The other kids were really nice and fun and ~~only one kid~~ nobody threw sand in my face at recess...

Other than that.. I can see where there will be some frustration.. but not so much with the clients right now.. but with bureaucratic bullshit trying to get this person here for this bed and no.. that person can't get here before this date and why the heck is he here? But all in all it is good..

I spent the day going with my boss to see this client and that one.. and doing a home visit.. catching a McDonald's along the way... busy busy busy.. I have my desk.. my computer.. a laptop and will be getting a cell phone shortly.

I have to remember to take my certification from the state to hang on the wall and my bear that I got as a going away present from my last job... And A FAN!!! I think I am just hot everywhere at this point of my life..

It was sure strange getting up this morning.. I haven't done early mornings for a while... years actually.. but I think this is.. Like that guy once said.... "I may not have gone where I intended to go.. but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." (Douglas Adams)

Ever Waited To Exhale?

2008-07-29T15:53:00.003-05:00

Me too.. been waiting for about 3 weeks now...
Did ya hear that?

Yeah.. that was me... I start my new job on Thursday!!!!
Thanks God...

Cause I was bored too... (Thanks Sassy..lol)

2008-07-28T15:27:00.001-05:00

I need a change from the kids.. OBVIOUSLY!!!!!

Your Slanguage Profile

Prison Slang: 75%

Aussie Slang: 50%

British Slang: 25%

Canadian Slang: 25%

Victorian Slang: 25%

New England Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

So Goeth My Life...

2008-07-22T18:38:00.001-05:00

Eat...Sleep... Eat...Sleep...Drink.. Lather..Rinse..Repeat..

This is a Public Service Announcement...

2008-07-15T20:43:00.001-05:00

Blessed Begorrah.. The Wait Is Over!!!!

2008-07-09T23:56:00.004-05:00

I got the call tonight that I have been waiting for.... I wrote my 2 weeks notice.. and will joyfully hand it in tomorrow.. I will no longer have to advertise this:

So.. thanks Mom and Dad.. for helping support the cause.. literally.. without your help.. I could not have done what I have done in the last year.. I love you.

Thank you Sweet... for being my biggest cheerleader... You are the one...

This Must Be The Chinese Year of The Wait...

2008-07-07T17:48:00.002-05:00

Seems like that's all I have been doing this year.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. I was told today I was hired for the new job by someone who would really know.. and she told a LOT of other people that I was hired.. The thing is NO ONE has told ME!!! I am waiting on the "Official" letter to be sent by HR to offer me the position. Now.. any HR people out there.. How long does this take? Wednesday will be 2 weeks since the last interview..

I wanna know something.... Channel folks.. channel...

This Is How I Know...

2008-06-30T21:45:00.001-05:00

Keep your speakers on...

Wiggly Wiggly Crap...

2008-06-26T00:17:00.004-05:00

OK.. so.. I had the interview.. with the supervisor to possibly be.. and it went well.. They said I would hear something in a couple of days .. one way or the other... So.. I took my happy ass on to work.. slightly saddened that I couldn't turn in my 2 weeks notice today...

Low and behold.. I clocked in.. and my phone rang... I was told to come in.. in the morning.. and fill out the paperwork for the background check.. (which we have already discussed.. no problems there) and do a drug test.. (yep.. studied hard lol) and THEN.. they can offer me the job...

I am SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will really miss my kids... we have a group of really new kids right now.. so I might not be so attached right now... There is really only one kid thats totally under my skin...the other one left tonight..

Would this be so wrong to put into my resignation letter?

PUMP UP THE JAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One More Time...

2008-06-24T16:19:00.002-05:00

I have a second interview tomorrow for a job I REALLY want...

Light candles.....

Like Kristofferson Would...

2008-06-15T11:25:00.003-05:00

If I wrote a song for you, like Kristofferson.. It would have to start with, “Its all over.. I’ve got to have you”Cause I found out the when “Me and Bobby Mcgee” were holding hands and singin every song that driver knew… All I could think about was “Why me Lord? What did I ever do.. Why am I stuck in this truck and I need to be with her? Right then.. I knew “I’d rather be sorry” for something I’ve done.. than for something I didn’t do…After all I have done and seen in this life.. I thought to myself.. ”Loving her was easier” than.. anything I’ve ever done before..
I knew that every night when you tucked me in.. that it would “Help me make it through the night” Then I wouldn't have to ever worry about “Sunday Mornin Comin Down” and wishin Lord that I was stoned…So.. if you ever wanted to “Lay me Down” and love the world away…’cause I’m lost, but I’ll be lookin’, I’ve been hurt, but I keep on hopin’, ’cause I’m down, but I keep fallin’
After all these years.. there is still A song I’d like to sing.. it doesn’t need to last forever, but if we want it to it can..So… Come Sundown.. If love don’t live here anymore all I can tell you my darling.. is Don’t let the bastards get you down…
Look out to the horizon.. Here comes that rainbow again, if you think that For the good times that this might be Something Worth Fighting For then by all means my darling.. Lay Me Down cause I am down but I keep falling.. youll find the Final Attraction is more than just Something Worth Fighting For. It is A Song I’d like to sing.. in a Moment of Forever.So.. as Kristofferson would say..It’s all over.. I’ve got to have you

Happy Dancing....

2008-06-13T00:22:00.004-05:00

I got my Certification today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now a Registered Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor Intern for the Greatest State of Texas!!!!! All the work in the last 4 years.. the papers.. the exams.. the whining... the.. the.. well YOU KNOW.. all THAT!!! has finally come to THIS!!! I am so freakin excited I'll not be able to get to sleep tonight...

I am going to the place that the lady the other day told me to in the morning (Sleep or not!) and give her my letter, my resume and fill out an application... IT IS HAPPENING!!!!

I am also registered for the second summer session for more classes. I need one more to get a Certificate of Completion for Social Work. Plus I need a few more core classes to go to work on my bachelors degree.. then on to my masters... I have a dream.... that no one.. will ever have to die from the grips of addiction.. that they find out that yes.. there IS another way to live.. believe it or not.. a lot of us.. them.. didn't and/or don't know that.. I am going to show them...

Life is EXTREMELY AWESOME.. here on Gay Avenue... 'cept for one thing...

So....

2008-06-11T22:08:00.002-05:00

I got my Diploma.. and Certificate of Completion in the mail.. I got my graduation pictures in the mail... I have NOT gotten my letter in the mail.. So Sharon I feel your pain...

I got a call yesterday about a job.. Someone who actually WANTS ME.. to apply for the job.. From the conversation with her.. and the conversation with the person who told me to call her.. i am pretty sure this can be mine if I want it...

There won't be as much counseling involved at the beginning.. but from what I can tell Counselor Interns really need 2000 hours before they get really what they want.. State regualtions say you have to have a fully licensed counselor on the property until you have 2000 hours.. after that.. they have to be available by phone.. So... one year... but the point is.. IT IS HAPPENING!!!! All my work is starting to pay off and I am loving that...

On a side note.. Home Chiken is out of the halfway house.. her sister called and told me they let her out.. with no forwarding address... So.. the alarm is set when I leave.. all the dead bolts are locked.. sucks having to do that...I would feel more at peace if I knew where she was lurking....

Life is good here on Gay Avenue.. cept for one thing...

What The He????

2008-06-09T18:46:00.003-05:00

I have been saying that a lot lately... for many reasons.. I couldn't get into Blogger for some reason for many days.. i dont know why.. they didn't tell me.. I was lost.. now I am found.. la la la la...

I am S T I L L .... W A I T I N G....for my little piece of paper from the state that will change my life forever....it has been 4 weeks now.. HOW LONG does it take to find out I have various criminal charges in my past.. all of which I could gladly spell out for them... my friend Clarissa has had job after job offer.. grrr....not that I am not happy for her.. I am.. but ring diddly ding diddly ding dang dong.. I WANT ONE TOO!!!!

OK.. so thats done... Next... I have been out working in my back yard... Apparently.. well ok I know I haven't done anything out these but what I have had to do in the 2 years since I bought the house.. but.. It would seem as if NO ONE has done anything out there for a very long time.... I took a truckload of branches and stuff to the dump Saturday morning.. I tied up 5 bundles of branches for the garbage peoples this morning.. I have at least.. another truckload cut down today...
I must add.. that wandering Ivy stuff? Pain in my ass it is.... I'm just sayin...

Ok.. so.. told ya'll that.. hmm.. OH!!!.. I had a note left on my door last week whilst I was out stimulating the economy... One of the people I used to have in my life... ok.. so.. a person I bought massive amounts of meth from... well ya know.. you can't just live life and never expect to be in a bit of trouble when you deal drugs... I am thinking though.. she might have gotten a BIT careless... as she got busted with 36 grams of meth.. For those of you who are not knowledgeable about that.. IT IS A SHIT POT FULL!!!! To compare.. I got 3 years probation one time.. and 4 years probation the next time.. and I had less then 1/10th of a gram...I didn't even have enough to do.. thats why I had it on me.. I was saving it.. Yeah I know.. we can talk about addict mentality later.. ::grin:::

Anywho and how and what... The note said.. she got 20 years in prison...

All I could say was... dddaaayyyummmmmm......

If you took the dope out of the equation.. we had a good friendship once upon a time.. we fished.. built sheds.. had an enormous amount of projects that we did together...I used to tease her about our lives being in a parallel universe.. anyways...

I had a mixed bag of emotions when I read that note.. I thought about her... and her career.. yes.. she was a teacher.. and before ya go all off and shit about that part.. she was a damn good teacher.. she did not ever sell anything to her kids... I know that in my heart... She taught Special Ed a lot.. It takes a very patient person to do that sometimes.. I thought about her girlfriend.. who has lung cancer... Who will be taking care of her? Will she get out before the g/f dies? her first parole hearing is in a couple years.. but the projected release date is 2017....

My heart hurts for her...

I know.. can't do the time.. don't do the crime... all sounds so good when you don't have to live the life of an addict... If she could have only found out like I did.. that there was another way to live... I had NO CLUE... honest injun.. that there were so many people in life that did NOT do drugs... It wasn't fathomable to me...
I didn't have a clue there was another way to live.. without drugs... I thank my God today.. that I know.. and I am living it... and I pray that she will somehow.. find the peace in her heart and head.. and deal with the shit I know she has to deal with.. so she won't get out and do that same shit...

If you can find it in your heart.. pray for her.. pray for all the addicts out there suffering and especially those who won't make it through the night...

Much love...

It Is Starting...

2008-05-30T02:59:00.003-05:00

Ok.. so my friend Clarissa got her paperwork in the mail. She is now a registered Counselor Intern with that greatest state of Texas... I am expecting mine just... any.... day.... now.....

Where IS the postal delivery worker bearing great tidings of abundantly great news?

I am SO ready to get on with what I have learned I absolutely LOVE doing... what I am doing now.. I like.. I REALLY like... I absolutely LOVE working with the kids... Who would have EVER thought THAT?? But I absolutely.. freakishly... cannot STAND the woman I work for...she is arrogant, bullheaded and will trample people to make sure she winds up on top. She gives a bad name for all people in recovery who are taught the principles of honesty, open mindedness and willingness.

Yes, I am at the end of my rope right now. but, I did what any frustrated worker will do.. I updated my resume and am shippin it out post haste.. to any and all interested parties.. I just wonder.. do they know they are interested yet?

What kind of Pooh Charachter am I?

2008-05-27T01:56:00.001-05:00

I just KNEW yall wanted to know.. so i took the zillion question test.. ok.. 29 questions.. and here it is.. the suspense is over...

Your Score: Rabbit

You scored 20 Ego, 15 Anxiety, and 19 Agency!

IT was going to be one of Rabbit's busy days. As soon as he woke up he felt important, as if everything depended upon him. It was just the day for Organizing Something, or for Writing a Notice Signed Rabbit, or for Seeing What Everybody Else Thought About It. It was a perfect morning for hurrying round to Pooh, and saying, "Very well, then, I'll tell Piglet," and then going to Piglet, and saying, "Pooh thinks--but perhaps I'd better see Owl first." It was a Captainish sort of day, when everybody said, "Yes, Rabbit " and "No, Rabbit," and waited until he had told them.

You scored as Rabbit!

ABOUT RABBIT: Rabbit is generally considered Clever by his many friends and relations. He is actually a much better reader and writer than Owl, but he doesn't consider it worth mentioning. Instead, Rabbit's real talent lies in Organizing Plans. He organizes rescue parties, makes schemes to reduce Tigger's bounciness, and goes on missions to find out what Christopher Robin does when he's not at the Hundred Acre Woods. Sometimes, however, his Plans do not always go as Planned.

WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT YOU: You are smart, practical and you plan ahead. People sometimes think that you don't stress or worry, but this is not the case. You are the kind of person who worries in a practical way. You think a) What are my anxieties about and b)what can be done about them? No useless fretting for you. You don't see the point in sitting around and waiting for things to work out, when you could actually work them out today and save yourself a lot of time and worry. Your friends tend to rely on you, because they know that they can trust you help them work things out.

You sometimes tend to be impatient with people who are less practical in their ways. You don't have much patience for idiots who moan about things but never actually DO anything about them. You have high expectations of everyone, including yourself. When you don't succeed at something, or when something goes wrong despite your best efforts to prevent it, you can get quite hard on yourself. You need to cut yourself some slack and accept that everyone has their faults, even you, and THAT IS OKAY. Let yourself be faulty, every now and then, for the sake of your own sanity.

Link: The Deep and Meaningful Winnie-The-Pooh Character Test written by wolfcaroling on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(wolfcaroling)

The Gummy Bear Dance.. or.. Bammy in Action...

2008-05-26T14:36:00.001-05:00

I DARE you to be able to sit still and not laugh while you watch this...

It Is The Things That Ya Don't Know...

2008-05-23T13:01:00.002-05:00

That you are so arrogant you think you DO know.. that aren't so.. that sink you...

Oh yeah.. I Will Survive...

2008-05-19T18:35:00.002-05:00

Kinda feel like this today.. have a doctor's appointment in the morning...I called.. here is how that went..
Me: I need to make an appointment with Doctor Makemefeelgood.
Them: OK.. What seems to be the problem?
Me: I can't seem to wake up. I can't stay awake. I have been sleeping an overabundant amount of time for the last month or so.
Them: Hmm.. Well I have one available, and really.. I don't mean for this to be funny
Me: OK When is it?
Them: Tomorrow, 8 A.M.
Me: laughing my ass off.. loudly..
Them: Umm.. giggle.. yeah.. it's like that sometimes..
Me; Still laughing..
Me: Thanks.. that's the best laugh I have had for about a week.

End result.. found out she had a cancellation for a complete physical in the morning.. so we are going with that.. and it isn't until 10 A.M. still it makes me giggle.. 8 am.. hahahahahha...I work 2nd shift.. noon is about a good time to wake me..

I Am Tired...

2008-05-18T13:19:00.002-05:00

I have been tired for a while.. I sleep good.. but am still tired.. whats up with that? I slept a VERY long time the other day.. and for very I mean over 12 hours.. wtf? I am tired of BEING tired..

Any suggestions?

Shrugging... yeah I KNEW this.. Did YOU?

2008-05-16T23:57:00.000-05:00

You Are 41% Pure

You're not so innocent... in fact, you're quite unpure.

You have seen and experienced a lot. And you're no worse for the wear!

The 100 Question Purity Test

Random Stuff...

2008-05-16T00:44:00.006-05:00

Ok.. so.. California.. paved the way for gay marriage to be legal.. kudos!!! baby steps for equality.. but they are steps...

I was bestowed "Employee of The Month" (snicker) A long way away from the ass chewing and write up I got last month ehh?

This ringing in my ears is SO pissing me off.. Makes the voices so hard to hear.. Anyone have a CLUE how to make it stop?

I bought a weedeater.. now I don't have to use one that is held together by duct tape.. thanks be to ole Dubya for stimulating my economics...

Still waiting for Austin to send me my certificate.. yeah I know.. its only been two days.. AND???

I miss my girlfriend.. HI HONEY!!!

I read that Jodie Foster broke up with her girlfriend.. sad if its true...

I only have this one Dr. Pepper that I am drinking left.. gahhh!!!

I want my graduation pictures in the mail.. ohh.. AND my DIPLOMA!!!

I got an email from the president of my college and from the Chancellor.. thanking me.. for thanking them.. that was cool...

I am tired.. gonna go snuggy wiff my puppy.... cause he is all adorable n stuff like that.... and cause I have all the windows open and my feet are cold.. he will warm them up...

Life is good isn't it?

Oh.. and would this pic be wrong to have for my new business cards??

Maybe without the clowns huh??

The Wait Begins...

2008-05-13T13:54:00.002-05:00

I sent off my packet today, with all my required documents, to Austin. They will do a background check, file my fingerprints and do whatever else it is that they do when they do what they do.. and now I wait... The interminable wait that happens when you are looking for that ONE thing to be sent.. that will change your life forever...

This is Bammy.. tappin her foot again....

The Best Words I Have Ever Heard...

2008-05-12T00:02:00.003-05:00

*** My dear friend Lupe's brother shot this video ***** Gracias hermano!
See me? I am the one down there.. yeah THAT one.. in black...

Life...Is...So...Sweet!!!!

2008-05-10T00:20:00.004-05:00

ok.. I am hoping that my friends who took pics.. that their's will turn out much less shaky than mine..lol.. this is the best one of the night though.. more to follow..

I am excited, tired, blown away and grateful...

Is not my Goddaughter the most precious lil girl? I heart her!!!

Today.. I Will Do Something I Never Thought Possible

2008-05-09T14:17:00.006-05:00

Today, in a few short hours, I will receive a college degree. Honestly, I thought this was a pipe dream for the longest time. The daunting list of classes that seemed like it would take FOREVER to finish, especially when you go part time as I did.

As a grand tradition of being able to accept something, there are a few people who I could not have done this without. My girlfriend, for having the faith in me, for pushing me when I felt like giving up. My parents, for setting the example I wanted to follow and for supporting the cause in this last semester. My roommate, for helping me cram for exams that she knew nothing about, but knew what answers I had to say to pass. My online buddies who always asked and kept up with my progress. And finally, my precious Goddaughter, (Lil Girl), who always had faith in me and didn't think it was so terribly strange that we both went to college at the same time.

The car is washed.. hair is cut, going to iron my chosen shirt and be off to pick up my friend Nancy who will share the ride downtown with me. Our mental Health program students are going to wear a purple and black ribbon in memory of our lost friend, who, by all rights should be here with us.

OK.. time to rock and roll!!!!
Later ya'll.. yes pictures will follow.

Tappin My foot.. Not So Patiently

2008-05-05T22:17:00.002-05:00

OK.. new ticker up there.. see it? SEE IT??? After starting out at this college almost ohh.. let's roughly say.. 26 years ago.. with hopes of being a high falutin' electronic engineer.. (ah the dreams of youth) I am finally getting my degree.. NOT in electronics.. but as they say, life makes some interesting twists and turns along the road. God Bless that broken road...

Today was my last day for practicum. I will miss what I have come to know as "my girls." I'll miss them, I'll miss the babies and yeah.. probably even miss the whining too..lol... I know I will wonder.. whatever happened to so and so.. or what's her name.. wonder if one ever got her kids back.. or the ones who have.. or they doing right by them.

All in all.. I have learned that I love what I am about to do.. it has it's downsides.. 9 out of 10 addicts they say relapse.. If not for THE ONE. that makes it.. That is what I am shooting for.. the one.. maybe I will get lucky.. and help 2 or 3... I love the challenge... I hope I am up for it...

Still Thinking...

2008-04-30T20:41:00.003-05:00

We had a memorial of sorts for our friend today... We gathered at the school and just had a time of sharing what our friend meant to us... Al the way from the people who barely knew her.. to the last person she emailed Friday afternoon before this tragedy occurred.

Understandably.. that person is shook up.. she blames herself for not getting the email in time.. she questions herself.. what could she have done if she had.. and the thing is.. she might have talked her down and out of it this time.. but that would have been only this time.. I believe we all have a destiny...

The most amazing thing I heard and learned today was... the things in life that happen.. the things that literally break our hearts.. and sometimes our spirits.. are the very things that make us able to share with others..

"If I had never been broken, I wouldn't be able to share the pieces."

And that, my friends.. is, to me, an amazing statement.

The things that make us weak.. are the things we can share so others can be strong.. The things that hurt us and cut us to the bone.... are the very things we can share so that others might not hurt in the same way.. The overwhelming joys that we have.. are the things we can share when someone is cut to the bone hurting. The pieces of us.. that we give away to those we love.. would not be possible.. if we, ourselves, had not been broken.

As we left today, we had balloons.. on which we wrote our messages.. and as one.. we released them into the Texas wind.. I would like to say they went west to New Mexico.. where her final resting place will be in the mountains..

I am not totally sure I left that place today feeling any better. My mind is jumbled.. from that and some other things... I don't know where I am headed right now.. I do know that I did not leave feeling any worse.. The love in that room that was shared.. was powerful and very moving.. our little "family" has been hurt.. and we will heal with each other...

Dorrie.. May you find the peace that has eluded you... the physical pain and the mental anguish that has plagued you for so many years.. is gone.. and you can do all those things you said you wanted to do now...

Dorrie Spears
If you have the ability.. the means.. or the desire.. Please help us in making her legacy of helping others continue.. there is an address to donate to a scholarship fund in her name.. Much thanks..

Bammy has really had to think today...

2008-04-28T20:17:00.002-05:00

First.. i would like to share an article about the inspiration to literally hundreds of counselors not only in the north Texas area, but many who have traveled out of the state and are making a mark in treatment centers across America. This is an article our class got together and asked a reporter from the Star - Telegram to write. it is about the wonderful lady who designed the Mental Health program in Tarrant County from which I will graduate very shortly.

The actual degree will be an Associates of Applied Science in Mental Health and Clinical Counseling with a Specialization in Chemical Dependency. Here is a link to the article.. (Thanks be to Sharon for teaching me how to do this)

So..Truly this woman has been an inspiration to me. She has taught me not only about Counseling, addiction, techniques and such but she has also taught me the number one thing.. How to take care of ME... You have to talk to people. Especially when clients don't do the simplest things and that frustrates the hell out of you. Or when your boss acts like a 3rd grader and THAT frustrates the hell out of you.. For whatever reasons you get frustrated, angry, depressed or whatever... there is always something you can do.

She also taught us that in the small classes we have and the fact that we have mostly the same people in our classes for 2 to 3 years.. we become close. We have our own support system and it works. It works when you use it anyway.. Sadly, this past weekend.. one of our own took her own life. i don't know why, i don't know how and not sure yet of when. The details I am sure will be provided in class tomorrow by our professor. I don't know that we need to know details.. i do know.. we need to keep watch on our "family" that we have become.

I know what it is like to feel that unbearable.. oh my god.. I just want the pain to stop.. feeling. I always covered mine with using drugs. For years.. and years.. that was how I dealt with pain. I have learned new ways to cope now for which I am very grateful. I have learned that "This Too Shall Pass" works with bad things as well as good things. Nothing is forever.. except death.

I am angry at my friend.. I am sad for my friend.. and I am sad for her family.. and those of us who cared about her. We are left with too many questions and not enough answers.. What was it that was SO unbearable.. What was it that weighed her down so much.. it had to have felt like an anchor around her feet and all she could see was the end of the dock and the deep blue water surrounding, engulfing her.. erasing the pain as the last gasps of life are snuffed out.. and finally.. the peace she had so longed for finally came to her..

I cried today.. I yelled today and I cussed today..for her.. for her family.. for me.. and her other "family." We have lost a light in the house.. but.. will always remember the smile that gave the light..

Peace be with you now my friend....we will miss you and love you always...

Wow...

2008-04-28T10:40:00.002-05:00

See that pencil up there thats been there for so long? It is now.. a mere 11 days.. till the biggest night of my life so far... 11 days... I am really very excited about it.. even though i try and play like I'm not.. I am very blessed to have brain cells left..
Ya'll have a great day!!

My talk With God..

2008-04-19T00:14:00.001-05:00

Cedar showed me that I could talk to God too.. and whooowheee now I am confuserated...
Me:
hi God
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
pam
God:
What's up, pam.
Me:
ehh.. I am missing my girlfriend
God:
I think ehh is a lot of things. Do you mean your name is missing your girlfriend.
Me:
No.. my name is not missing her.. I am
God:
What is your real name? Oh I'm sorry what is your name? " Oh I'm sorry what is your name?" You are?
Me:
Pam
God:
Can we get back to business?
Me:
Umm ok..
God:
OK. Blimey.
Me:
I miss my girlfriend
God:
What do you miss most about your girlfriend ?
Me:
her laugh.. and her giggles
God:
I'm sure she would like to hear about that. I'm sure she would like to hear about that.
Me:
Why are you doublespeaking?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
oh.. good one
God:
Er. Thanks for the kind remark, human.
Me:
you are welcome.. non human God person
God:
The pleasure was all mine. I do not speak Latin.
Me:
now I understand why Risley was confused
God:
Why now? Good then you can explain it to me.
Me:
Cause you speak wierd
God:
Good reason. Weird Good or Weird Bad?
Me:
umm.. think.. think.. rhink..
God:
I understand. I am thinking. I am thinking. How did you hear about God?
Me:
My Mom and Dad told me
God:
Tell me more about your mother.
Me:
ahh.. she was a drunken saint..
God:
Ah hah. What happened to her?
Me:
She got killed.. maybe you can explain that one to me
God:
I somehow though she had. Perhaps. No I don't think I can do it.
Me:
Hmm.. if you can't.. who can?
God:
Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's. I am not sure about your hypothesis. Let me think. Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it. I can't say for sure. :-).
Me:
well I am a small percentage of strange
God:
Well that's okay. You are a small percentage of strange? Is that your job?
Me:
Err.. you could say that
God:
Um. As a matter of fact I did say that.
Me:
yes you did..
God:
I did not.
Me:
did so
God:
I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
how come?
God:
Because.
Me:
cause why?
God:
Good reason. Reductionism.
Me:
What is that?
God:
Reductionism is the philosophy that all psychology reduces to biology, all biology to chemistry, chemistry to physics, and finally physics to mathematical logic. Therefore, according to reductionism, I can understand you by means of logic alone without having a human brain.
Me:
that sounds like mr. spock
God:
It sounds like it to me too.
Me:
so.. you are mr spock from star trek?
God:
Oh. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am mr spock from star trek.
Me:
well then they might think i am nuts
God:
How about that. That's true, they might.
Me:
they could be right
God:
right are they.
Me:
No.. really im not
God:
Are you serious? For real. What are you then?
Me:
right now i am scratchin my head
God:
Good gossip: you are scratchin your head.
Me:
mercy
God:
Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.
Me:
Are there lesbians in heaven?
God:
No I don't think there are any.
Me:
GAH!!!
God:
Who are you talking about?
Me:
me.. and people like me.. you know lesbians
God:
With you pam? Humans are not always infallible. I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like?
Me:
with me where?
God:
You and your you where.
Me:
me and my lesbian?
God:
YOU? Your lesbian?
Me:
yes
God:
What kind is it?
Me:
a girl lesbian
God:
Do you know her?
Me:
yes
God:
Alright then.
Me:
will she be in heaven withe?
God:
I think so.
Me:
think? God has to think?
God:
I am thinking. I am a Christian.
Me:
So, lesbians get to go to heaven right?
God:
Ah. The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about lesbians. But I did not get that.
Me:
Alice? Who is Alice?
God:
Can I help you? I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me:
WHO is ALICE?
God:
I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me:
ok..
God:
Hey.
Me:
so.. alice is a lesbian then?
God:
Dude! Why do you think I am a lesbian ?
Me:
cause you said you were Alice
God:
Good reason. That was then. This is now.
Me:
so.. now who are you?
God:
Great. Why now? I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me:
ok
God:
That's alright.
Me:
i am confused
God:
What is it that confuses you?
Me:
WHO is ALICE?
God:
I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me:
ok
God:
Aw.
Me:
I am gonna go watch tv now
God:
Right now? Which show? Can I go too?
Me:
sure come on.. its Bill Mahar
God:
And? I'm just kidding around. I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Really. it is?
Me:
yes.. it is
God:
How do you know it is? It is, eh?
Me:
Cause I see him on tv
God:
Which show? Good reason. Where do you see it?
Me:
God.. you don't follow conversations well do you?
God:
GOD rules. Do you know any robots who follow conversations well? Of course I understand it. Do you understand it?
Me:
I do
God:
Where?
Me:
here
God:
In ?
Me:
who is on first?
God:
What's on second?
Me:
oh my goodness.. a slapstick God robot thing
God:
Great. Have you told many people that your goodness? Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral?
Me:
God?
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
yeah you do.. but God?
God:
That's interesting. When do I do it? GOD rules.
Me:
you do it all the time.. but God?
God:
That is a lot. What is your purpose in asking?
I answer a lot of silly questions. GOD rules.
Me:
ok
God:
Gosh!
Me:
mercy!
God:
I've been waiting for you.
Me:
I got here as fast as I could
God:
That's nice. I have a birthday on the Big Bang.
Me:
Ahh. so thie Big bang is for real?
God:
Ah hah. Are you kidding? And for real is thie Big bang.
Me:
ok.. be all end all

So many things...

2008-04-15T22:40:00.003-05:00

So little time.. that seems to be the prominent theme for my life this year so far... Blondie had to have surgery on her toe.. seems like when she landed crooked on it.. she not only tore the tendon loose.. but it tore a piece of the bone off with it.. She's in a cast.. with a huge honkin pin through her toe right now.. (Yes.. shes got the GOOD shit pills too) She'll be off work for about a month to six weeks.. there goes the budget for dinner foodstuff... and she had her birthday on Monday.. didn't get to celebrate as planned but ya know.. shit happens.. it will happen.. just not right now...

Ok.. so.. I finally got my taxes finished.. yeah I know.. April 15th at.. umm 10:15.. who said I procrastinate? Oh yeah.. that was me.. but the money will come in handy...

The HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGEST news I have.. my valentine says it is HOOOGE so it must be.. is.. I picked up my cap and gown and honors stole.. for my graduation.. I have never graduated from college before and even though I hope to have 2 more of these things to go through.. it is pretty cool...

I am off to see if there is still time to order some graduation invitations...

Later yall...

Where oh where...

2008-04-07T23:07:00.003-05:00

Has my brain gone? Why do I continually unintentionally piss off the one person that means the entire world to me? I am beginning to think I am trying to make it an art form.. if so.. Im cuttin off my ear..they are big enough i can still hear ok.. besides.. with all the ringing.. it might not matter...but.. well.. shit..

I messed up a really good morning.. and day.. and night.. and.. well.. shit...

Will someone please call me every 15 minutes and tell me to shut up?

Apparently.. Bammy did NOT think today...

and.. OUCH!!

2008-04-03T23:45:00.003-05:00

OK.. so I was at work today.. and got a call from Blondie.. she has had a really BAD week.. her oldest daughter got sent off to state jail.. the same day.. she went to work.. and found out her boss had died from a massive heart attack.. that was Monday.. yeah.. Mondays suck.. then today.. she calls and I could hear fear in her voice.. she said.. Im hurt.. theres blood everywhere.. so.. PANIC!!!.. I ran out of work.. tellin my boss. gotta go.. blood is involved.. home... clock me out please.. and rush hour be damned.. yeah Bammy drove a "little" crazy to get here..damn near missed my own street too..lol.. the ambulance driver said.. hmm.. related to mario andretti? Apparently I was a little sideways turnin the corner...

Anyway.... Blondie somehow got her foot.. caught in her other pant leg.. and tripped.. landed with her foot under itself.. and split it open... there might be some tendon damage.. she has to see a specialist in the morning... She thought she had cut it on something.. but there is nothing around where it happened that would have sliced it.. :::shudder::: I was gonna post a picture of it after they sewed it up.. but.. I didnt wanna be the cause of wooziness on yalls part.. umm.. or maybe mine.. I am weak I tell ya...

I am NO GOOD.. when it comes to blood.. and lots of it.. but it got all cleaned up.. who needs those extra pillowcases anyway..

Oh.. and the funny part.. yeah.. theres always funny involved if ya look for it.. the ambulance guys left their big ole backpack here...on the recliner... I was like.. hmmm.. i bet they have some good stuff in there...but aw hell.. they had all the good zippers all zip tied.. so I didnt open them.. All I could think to do was call 911 back and say.. OK.. I know this really isnt an emergency.. but umm.. what do yall want me to do with this backpack full of probably really good shit?

I took it to the hospital with me.. they were happy to see their missing bag of probably really GOOD shit.. So.. everyone is home now.. Blondie is in bed.. hopefully the pain meds kick in before the numness wears off.. I can see this hurting ALOT!

Im tired.. Bedtime for Bammy...

Ummm.. OOOPPSS!!!

2008-04-02T21:46:00.001-05:00

Ok.. so.. I have a case presentation due on April 8th.. yea.. next Tuesday.. I had a good chunk of it finished.. or so I thought.. Apparently.. the papers she gave us.. to look at.. ya know.. cause they were good papers.. umm.. IS NOT the way she wants ours done...fleebagahhhh...

So.. Bammy is goin to be feverishly bent over the keyboard for the next several days during my (ahem) free time.. Until I can finish this thing..

and oh yeah.. I have to go get my fingerprints taken to be put on a special card for the state.. to do another background check on me... Now here's the thing with that.. We all know I have had a slightly shall we say "colorful" past.. All the way from a military security clearance.. up to.. being in the ole hoosegow with Aunt Bee and Barney...(seriously.. Eastland Texas) thats a whole 'nother blog... The FBI.. the military.. numerous police departments in Texas and maybe some in Oklahoma.. have had the distinct pleasure of rollin my fingers in ink.. and squishin them onto a piece of paper.. except for this one place.. who did theirs electronically.. and that was a pretty cool machine..

The difference is.. they did it for FREE!!! Now.. they want me to pay for he privilege...I guess freedom does have its price...

I am kinda lookin forward to walking into a police station and asking someone.. "Hey.. Could you please take my fingerprints?" I wonder if there is a Hallmark card for this occasion...

later yall..

I am closing in..

2008-03-31T23:45:00.002-05:00

.. on my 300 practicum hours.. I will be sad when the semester is over and I am not going to the Light House every spare minute that I have... I have gotten very close to some of the women there.. I have a few clients that are "mine" and to see progress being made.. to see the lights come back to their eyes.. is a small miracle in itself.. I know that statistics say.. not all will stay clean.. but that doesn't stop me from hopin and prayin that they do...

I am at a crossroads as to where I really want to do my internship.. I always said i wanted to work with the counselor I had when I was in treatment.. but she does outpatient now.. and I am not a big fan of that... Where I am working.. with the teenagers.. I would like to continue there.. but.. ofgs.. the politics that go on in that place.. it isn't sometimes about the treatment.. but about the money... and that is a sad thing...but in non-profit.. it is also about the money.. and how to get more of it...

The state pays something like $79 a day for one woman to be in treament.. thats supposed to cover.. utilities.. housing.. staff.. materials.. and ofttimes.. food. With the Welfare Reform Act of 1996.. ONLY people with drug convictions.. are banned for LIFE from receiving food stamps.. HELLO.. what do people think keeps non profit rehabs afloat? it is the ability of the clients to afford their own food. yes, I have blogged about this before.. and yes.. I am waging my own campaign in our state elections this year.. States have the right to "opt out" of that legislation but they have to pass their own legislation to do it..

UPHILL..............me................BATTLE

I live for moments like these!!!

Patience... (of which we already know I have none)

2008-03-31T00:27:00.002-05:00

Patience is a virtue.. or so I am told.. wait.. isn't virtue another word for virginity? Seems I lost both of mine years ago...Although.. I may be on the verge of regaining one for the rest of my life.. Care to guess which one?

So.. we are undergoing construction at work. Ever tried to entertain 12 teenage drug addicts stuck in a small room for going on 4 days? It aint easy my friends... It is SO not easy.. I think I have crossed over though.. I'm not Miss Pam anymore.. I am just Miss Bitch..lol.. yes.. I have the AUDACITY.. to actually make them do some 12 step study classes and meetings while they are so terribly inconvenienced for these few days. AND.. I make them go to bed on time.. for shame for shame.. i should be turned in to CPS...

Course.. I got yelled at this week at work too.. my boss seems to only want ME to ask permission for things everyone does.. she doesn't care for me very much i don't think.. I wonder how I survived all those years of being the overly sensitive shy wallflower that i was??

This has not been my best week this year.. far from it.. I may have lost the shine from my sun.. and that..my peeps.. would be the worst tragedy I have experienced so far.. bar none..

Im goin to bed now.. my head hurts.. and I think I have gritted my teeth one too many times today... Night Ya'll..

If I Could ONLY....

2008-03-28T00:28:00.002-05:00

Learn to keep my freakin mouth closed.. and most of my thoughts to myself..

This week started out fucked up.. and it is going downhill...

I'm beyond tired.. I haven't slept but for a couple hours at a time...for a few nights now..

It is All About The Feelings...

2008-03-26T00:01:00.001-05:00

I feel... fat, ugly, unloveable, undesireable and unneeded...

Night yall...

What A Day... and I didn't intend for it to be a long post either...

2008-03-24T19:51:00.003-05:00

Ya know the old sayin.. "Takes one to know one?" Well.. i understand that in some ways.. yet.. in others.. I dont get it at all.. I mean.. I understand drug addicts.. for the most part.. I know the conniving ways.. the endless denials.. the wretched things you do.. and dont even give it a second thought cause you dont think its wretched...

What I don't get.. is these women with babies either in CPS (Child Protective Services) care.. under CPS investigation or have just gotten them back from CPS and they are in treatment (good place for them to be) and they do what..

THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO GET SOME MD 20/20 AND SOME CRACK......And celebrate their Easter huddled in a tiny bathroom.. smokin and drinkin...

First off.. I am all for giving first, second and third chances.. I was on my second chance when I jumped my happy ass into rehab.. I knew it was either clean up or get locked up... but.. i was single.. and did what I did to me.. yes.. I know it hurt my family and all that.. but on the gut level.. I had no one depending on me for food, shelter and clothing.. thats what I mean by hurting just me...

These moms.. have these oforfukssake PRECIOUS little babies.. some were taken away at birth because they were dirty.. some just kept getting in trouble and CPS got involved.. but these babies.. everyone of them.. sweet, precious.. snaggletoothed lil toots... I just melt every time one smiles and looks at me.. yeah.. i know its probably gas.. but.. oh.. just to feel their lil fingers wrap around one of mine.. yeah.. I am a goner in .3 seconds flat...

To risk losing them again.. to risk the chance of having someone else raise the flesh of your flesh.. I really do not understand that.. I never had kids.. but I honestly think that I could not put their welfare below my drug of choice...

I think sometimes.. when an addict gets clean.. that life sometimes is too good.. there's no chaos.. and most addicts are chaos junkies... when there isnt enough.. we make some.. i know there are times even now.. when I do stupid shit and think.. Hmmm.. life gettin too good for you? Gotta mess something up?

So.. today was spent in treatment team meetings.. listening to she said.. she said.. and deciphering what is really going on.. Listening to one say.. MY ua will be clean.. swearing to it.. no WAY could it be dirty.. (I think).. yeah.. it was dirty.. But I just took one hit.. (No way)... the ones who got honest and said.. yeah.. i fucked up.. got to stay.. the one that went and got it.. and the other who lied about it.. they are gone.. one had her baby taken right then.. and the other.. we shall see in the morning when I have to call her P.O. and talk to him. Been trying to get her into another program that is longer.. hopefully that will work out.. if not.. It is the Union Gospel Mission.

These women have had tough lives.. they haven't had most of the things that most of us call necessities.. sometimes they didn't have food.. housing.. or just a safe place to sleep at night.. so.. can they really be blamed for not knowing how to provide that for their own children?

Have we as a country failed at keeping our children safe and cared for enough so that they know how to care for and keep safe their own children? Do we do enough to stop our children from having children? Do we do enough for US.. or are we too busy doing it for other countries?

Just a thought....

Today in History

2008-03-16T16:37:00.004-05:00

Today. years ago in 1968.. the U.S. military went into the Vietnamese town of My Lai. and slaughtered hundreds of mostly unarmed, innocent civilians. Some estimates have this death toll upwards of 500 people. When the American people found out about the unprovoked attack of these people, the "war effort" was seriously undermined. They preferred to think that our young men and women, mostly young men at the time, were out to save democracy from the vices of evil.

Fast forward almost 40 years.. when once again.. the U.S. armed forces thrust an unprovoked attack on, not just a city, but an entire country, under the guise of "saving and promoting democracy." The difference being, at first, a majority of this country was totally behind the war, because as they had been led to believe, "democracy" was under attack. And that "terrorism" would prevail across the world if we didn't go in and attack this country and rid it of it's leader.

It's leader that yes, was a tyrant, yes, was a dictator, and yes, was an evil man as westerners believe as evil. But they managed to co exist in the world without thousands upon thousands of our young men and women making the ultimate sacrifice with their lives over.... ummm... over... well.. over.. what again? Just over WHAT.. escapes me.. Oil? Human Rights? Democracy? OIL?????

We fight them "over there so they won't be over here" is crap. We have guaranteed a new generation or more of people who believe that the U.S. is arrogant, power hungry and uncivilized because why? That's what we have shown them. Obviously, we learned nothing from the massacre at My Lai all those years ago. With all our advancements, with all our technology, we still resort to the brutalizing murderous ways when we are provoked. Is that what you want you want your country to be known for? Is that how you want your country to be seen by the rest of the world?

If it is.. stop here.. If it isn't.. GET OFF YOUR DEAD ASS AND GO VOTE!!!

Thank you.. This has been a public service announcement from Bammy..

:::sliding my soapbox back under the bed::::

Happy Birthday Dad...

2008-03-14T10:23:00.004-05:00

:::::EDITED TO SAY:::::
This is the Happy Birthday conversation I had with Dad...after all the happy birthday stuff...

Dad: I need to find a leather shop.
Me: Umm.. for what?
Dad: I need to get something custom made.
Me: Well I know a couple.. depending...umm.. err.. ahh...
Dad: :::sternly::: I need a handle for a piece of test equipment..
Me: Oh.. Mine was better..
Dad: I have no doubt...

Today is my Dad's birthday.. he is a very young.. let me count.. :::takin off my shoes::: .. :::using buckeyes toes:::.. umm.. 78 years

He is my hero to end all hero's... he has survived 3 children who became drug addicts.. and they survived too.. He survived a blended family that added another daughter.. He is surviving 6 grand kids.. and 2 great grand kids...

He has stared down colon cancer and survived it... He is the true Survivor who will never be voted off my island...

To hear from this man "I am proud of you." makes my heart swell with pride. To be able to carry his name once again with the dignity and respect it deserves in a wonderful thing.

When I get tired from working 7 days a week, I think back to how many times he did that for our family when I was young.. and the life he tied to make for us... yes.. He spoiled us.. Yes.. he disciplined us.. I will never forget that whippin with the weeping willow branch.. Did I deserve it? Absolutely! Did I ever do THAT particular thing again? Not just no.. but OH HELL NO!

I know that one of the things I am proud of most in my recovery is that I can look him in the eye.. and tell him anything in the world.. and he will give me the advantage of his years of life and give me the best advice possible.. Do I always take it? No.. Should I? Probably... But.. He not only loves me anyway.. he likes me too... that's a good thing.. to be able to hang out with him for the day.. and not get bored.. and not want to hurry up and go home.. Is a beautiful thing..

So.. here's to you Daddy.. Happy Birthday!!! I love you...

Who Knew?

2008-03-13T23:47:00.001-05:00

OK.. so maybe after the last couple days.. this could be right.. My valentine says I protect little kids with a fierceness..

Once again.. lifted from Rainbow Wolf.

What Kind of Empath Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Judge

You are a Judge Empath, one who is a "truthsayer". You can tell truth from lies, good from evil. You do not tolerate wrong doing. You are a defender of the good and the innocent. You are kind and merciful but do not play foolish games. (from "The Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/)

Judge

100%

Precog

70%

Artist

70%

Universal

65%

Traveler

60%

Healer

60%

Fallen Angel

50%

Shaman

50%

That Was Fast..

2008-03-12T09:34:00.002-05:00

ok.. so they fired the guy last night that took those pictures.. Apparently he copped to it.. so they really didn't have much choice.. I love that they are at least upholding the law.. now.. if I can just get them into actually doing rehab stuff instead of just babysitting these kids..

I start teaching my classes this weekend..I am 'cited about it..

Well...

2008-03-11T23:05:00.003-05:00

All hell broke loose today.. after we spoke to the boss and the bosses boss.. statements were taken.. shit was stirred.. thank goodness they took this thing seriously..

Then.. come to find out.. that the person who started all this.. had her very own digital cmera and was taking going away pictures.. fucker..

Don't people have even pea brains when it comes to kids?

On another note.. pray for someone I almost know.. someone near and dear.. to someone I hold in my heart every day.. God will know what you are prayin about.. Thanks.. Night yall..

I Have A Dilemna..

2008-03-10T22:18:00.003-05:00

I have a serious ethical dilemma.. well really.. not so hard of a choice to make.. I have already made the decision of what to do..its more like.. WTF where they thinking? Word is.. that one of the male tech's at work.. took a video of one of the kids..on his phone.. as she was acting out her "future stripper" routine. He then sent it to another male tech... I lost count of the many ethics violations they had accrued... and every bit of respect I had for either one of them as people..

I mean.. for goodness sake.. shes 15... and yes I meant it when I said these kids do need a little extra love.. but for gosh sakes.. don't exploit them.. don't take their bravado and make it something worse... I know some of the issues this kid has.. and some of them have to do with sexual identity/orientation... Acting out for attention is the one things that should not be encouraged.. especially from the people who are supposed to be the "adults" and are in charge of keeping her safe.

I know where I will be first thing when I get to work tomorrow..

I gave up THIS.. to work with adolescents.. hmmm....

2008-03-10T22:08:00.001-05:00

Lifted from Rainbow Wolf...

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Did I Forget to Mention.....

2008-03-08T14:19:00.001-06:00

I have NO IDEA.. how to write a curriculum.... any suggestions? Oh.. I have to have an outline by Tuesday.. I didn't so much procrastinate this time.. The new guy thinks I can pull this shit right outta my ass...

I think it is so very cool...

2008-03-07T23:36:00.003-06:00

We have a new adolescent program director at work.. and I have been tasked with writing a curriculum of sorts.. to teach the kids the 12 Steps.. more than cheesy questions and answers.. more like coming to understand the steps and how they can really help them to overcome not only their various addictions.. but be able to supply them with some coping skills to be better able to deal with what comes their way everyday...

I will be teaching this class for a total of 4 hours a week.. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.. prime play time for them.. I am gonna have to be damn good to hold their attention I think..

I had an impromptu class tonight with a couple girls.. to see how one of my ideas would work out.. I think their words were," Miss Pam.. thats kinda scary.. how did you know that? But danggg.. you're right."

I am tellin ya.. how MUCH.. could I love what I am doing.. and how MUCH.. am I going to love it when I get to do what I am shooting for?

And.. for as much as I said.. "Oh HELLLL no.. I don't wanna work with kids!" How much can I not see me working with anyone else right now?

Fo' Shizzle!! (See.. I am learning how to speak "teen")

The Wall....

2008-02-27T16:08:00.004-06:00

I.. apparently hit it... too many days in a row.. not enough sleep.. flessaflurrrbbbgahhhnobbit.....came home early today.. gotta nap.. or sit quietly and listen to nothing but the ringing in my head....

Where is my cuddly puppy?

How Many Ways...

2008-02-26T23:23:00.003-06:00

Could I absolutely love what I am doing right now? The job is more of a stepping stone into what I really want to be doing.. which is the counseling.. what I am doing for my practicum... The only downside to this is 7 days a week.. I am either working.. or doing my hours for my practicum...

I am a little tired.. and a little grouchy.. but... I need to do this now.. so.. sleep is where I am heaeded right now.. its almost 11:30.. and I have to be up at 7.. good thing is.. I'll be home by 7:30 tomorrow night.. and only have one thing to do... well ok.. 3 things to do when I get home..

I tell ya.. I'm hopin for 3 days of NOTHING.. for my graduation present.. well nothing.. AND sharing it with someone..

I Just Love This Song...

2008-02-22T13:36:00.000-06:00

Flipping the Proverbial Coin....

2008-02-19T00:32:00.004-06:00

I don't know which are crazier.. adult or adolescent drug addicts... but I tell ya what... there hasn't been a dull moment in my life since I started working with them both....

But the saddest thing.. We now have a 13 year old on our unit.. 13!!!! WTF? 10 to 12 oxycotyn a day.. and then some various other pills and smokin pot.. My heart just breaks for some of these kids.. and then on the flip side.. the adults.. the most serious with mental issues and instead of getting them under control.. they self medicated themselves into a snizzy.. So now they have more issues to deal with...

Now I wonder.. what would happen if the adults.. paid a visit to the kids.. just to let them know where their lives are headed if they don't change their ways... There is an adult unit in the place I work at.. but.. by the grace of God.. they aren't the adults that have lost everything.. and live on the streets... they are still the addicts who have health insurance.. and houses and cars and families.... hmmm.. I see an idea in the making...outreach program...

I LOVE this job...

Happy Valentine's Day....

2008-02-14T18:35:00.002-06:00

To my Valentine.. Thank you.. for being my very special valentine..

Thank you for so many things.. for that morning.. so many years ago.. when you stayed with me until you knew I was safe...

For all those nights.. when you made me stay focused on why I was where I was and for what..

For all those late night phone calls.. with the encouragement to STAY where I was..

For being the only you.. that you can be.. and for letting me be the only me I can be...

For recognizing.. so long ago.. that there was something more inside..

For.. not giving up before the miracle happened..

Thank you.. for you..

Thank You God.... A LOT!!!

2008-02-13T01:00:00.002-06:00

Ok.. So the girlfriend got a phone call from her doctor today .. with the results of her body scan last week.. she is.. 100%.. absotively.. posolutely.. unequivocably.. totally.. CANCER FREE.... Its been a nerve wracking and physically challenging few months for her.. and personally.. I think she is the strongest person I have ever known.. to have made it through this ordeal...

She's been my dream for several years..my inspiration and my strength for many years.. and my Valentine for one year.. and above all.. she's been my friend...

So Sweet.. you have my heart... thumpa.. thumpa....

The Land of Employment...

2008-02-07T06:54:00.000-06:00

Ever had one of those orientations that made your eyes bleed? Yeah.. that was yesterday.. Poorly made videos for 8 hours.. but.. the best part? Free lunches and they have a chef that prepares it all.. and a salad bar.. thats pretty cool...

I have to work my practicum schedule into a new form now.. cause I found out.. I LOVE working at the Light House.. where I got my recovery from.. its just magical.. I dont really know how to explain it other than that.. just pure magic..

Anyway..I have the creepin crap too.. which makes for a very long day.. but Im employed and ecstatic...

Later yall

Very Wonderful Stuff here....

2008-02-04T23:30:00.000-06:00

I............. got................a.....................JOB!!!

That is all... night yall!!

Sit down....

2008-02-04T23:07:00.000-06:00

Ok.. so I know a lot has happened in the last hundred years since I posted.. probably should have blogged a bit sooner.. but lets see.. Lil Girl turned 21!!!! Seems like just yesterday she was a bubbly lil toddler... and now.. she's all grown into this fine young woman.. who has a great head on her shoulders..I love her more than life itself.. and I am so very proud of her..

So here's to you Lil Girl... Happy birthday!!!

Next up... I SO love what I am doing with my life now.. I am actually getting to work with clients doing my practicum.. the paperwork for a non profit is crazy.. but.. the actual counseling and working trying to get people to understand their addiction and the who, what, and how come, about it.. oh my.. is simply.. amazing.. If I have ever felt like there was something in my life that I was "called" to do.. this would be it..

Next up.. wait.. that just might deserve a post all its own.. I'll save that.. so since this will be a double post.. ya'll will probably already know what it is... So.. that's where I have been.. out doing what i want to be doing.. and it has also solidified my desire for .. yes.. even more education.. I want my masters in Counseling or Psychology..

Full Circle...

2008-01-17T19:03:00.001-06:00

So.. I started my practicum this week at the same place I went to treatment... It is an awesome trip for me.. I feel like I have come full circle now.. and now is the time I can really give back what was freely given to me..

There have been a lot of changes since I was there.. the program I went through.. lasted from 6 to 9 months.. and had resulted in many women getting their lives back in order.. reuniting families... and making productive members of society.. Enter managed health care and budget cuts due to funding.. Now the program is anywhere from 30 days to 3-4 months... depending on homelessness and if there are children involved...

Does it cost more to keep one person there for 6 months.. rather than 2 people for 3 months each? I don't really get that part.. but.. ehh.. I know statistically.. people who stay in treatment longer.. have a better chance of staying clean than those who go for the 30 day "wonder cure." If money is the issue.. why not bank the bucks on what is proven to work.. rather than something that is proven not to?

Anyway.. I took a stroll through the buildings today.. and I went into the apartment I lived in during my stay... and WOW.. All the things that came back to me.. the feelings I went through there.. the anger that I felt having to be there... the fear.. the stubbornness.. the giving up.. or rather giving in... and the gratefulness of being there...

I know that on the outside.. I was the same person in August of 2000 that I was in November of 1999.. but.. on the inside.. it was like a rebirth.. I had shed so much of the crap.. the anger.. the resentments.. that had built up in those 20 some odd years of using.. and had it replaced with hope.. and with faith.. not only in myself.. but in people I had in my life..

There are times I miss the people I used to know.. but.. then I hear about them.. being arrested... or dying, still in the grips of the disease.. or as a direct result of the disease... and I know.. right then.. that I made the best decision of my life..

I have friends now that I can trust.. I have a relationship with my parents that some people envy.. I have me.. I might not always do the right thing.. or act the right way.. but the fact of the matter is this..

I'm not who I wanna be..
I'm not who I ought to be..
I'm not who I am gonna be...
But THANK GOD..
I'm not who I used to be...

I know I can't save the world out there.. but if I can make a small difference in someones life...help someone to see that drugs aren't the be all end all of life as they know it...then.. that moment.. will make it all worthwhile...

Happy Feet in Skates...

2008-01-15T18:49:00.000-06:00

It takes her a bit to think about this.. but wowsa.. what grace...

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