Wednesday, August 27, 2008

An Open Letter To Charlie..

I published your comment because I don't want you to think I am ashamed, embarrassed or feel guilty in anyway over what happened. I promised your mother I would look out for you. YOU promised your mother you would do the right thing. We had an agreement Charlie.. that I would keep money on your books for the time you were in prison. I did that.. I did that to the tume of $150.00 a month.. while you were also telling your sister and Erin (for a while) that I was NOT putting any money on your books so they would send you some too. yes, your little girlfriends from prison called.. we had long talks about how you were the "big baller shot caller" in prison cause you had all this money on your books. they had nothig to gain by telling me how you acted and the things you said.. The rest of our agreement was that you get out.. GET A JOB AND STAY CLEAN!!!! If you didn't do that.. you knew the consequences.. they were made perfectly clear.. yes I am still clean.. I intend to stay that way.. but mark my words.. you will NEVER make me feel guilty for setting my boundaries and not letting you drag me down in the muck that you love to live in.

I tried to go see you.. seems at though you got out of the halfway house.. and made your sister crazy not knowing where you were.. I did hear that you moved in with kim.. under the same agreement.. YOU STAY CLEAN!!! but you couldn't do that.. even then... and she made you leave also..

You stole more from me than just things Charlie.. you stole faith and trust.. you stole a part of my Dad.. When you looked me in the eye and lied right to me.. that made me realize that how I felt.. how what you did affected my life.. didn't matter one bit to you... You try and choke me.. and don't "GET IT" when I do what I have to do to ensure my safety?

I realize that you think your world ended when your mother died.. ya know what? that is such a sad excuse .. that was your chance to step up and live a life that your mother would be proud of... Do you think you did that? Vickie lost her child.. and she is still getting on with life.. marcy lost a child.. she is still moving... I lost my mother.. not to a disease.. but to a cold blooded bastard that thought a gun would be the answer.. then as mad as I was and the pure hate that I felt for that man.. Then he killed himself and I didn't have a chance to tell him to go to hell.. Life does not stop Charlie.. when bad things happen.. Thats the chance you get to show what you are made of...

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get off your ass and do something with your life.... You are a talented and personable person when you want to be... You have a way of interacting with people that I would love to have... but thats your gift.. not mine..

And yeah.. I do help homeless people. they have to want to get clean and stay clean.. and be willing to live at the shelter for 6 months while LIVING LIFE!!! not existing and thinking that the world owes them a living because their mom died.. i am so envious that you had her for more than twice the years I had my mom.. Mine was murdered when I was 22 Charlie.. be gratfeul that you had your mom around until your 40's.... hell be grateful for SOMETHING!!!

maybe you should try and see how life is being clean.. it took me 17 months of working at it.. until I thought I could live on my own again... but.. it is up to you.. you can either wallow in your bullshit.. or make a choice to stand up and get back into living life... Its your choice.. you've chosen drugs over your family, friends and yourself... for most of your 49 years... how's it workin for ya?

P.S. "I" did not cause the devastatin you feel.. and "I" am not the one who took your whole world.. and finally "I" am NOT the reason you will never live on Gay Ave... look in the mirror...

1 comment:

BadLori said...

Wow! Ya know Boots, when I met you I wouldnt have given a nickle for what I thought youd do with your life.But I watched you accept responsibility for your life and then work and struggle and pray to change what you didnt like.Im so proud of who you are, of everything you've accomplished. Ive told you a hundred times youre my hero but right now, in my eyes, youre ten feet tall. You own my heart.