Monday, February 16, 2009

Things I Have Learned...

I have recently learned something about being a middle aged lesbian with no kids... That is, I have come to realize, my only regret in life. Sure you have your blood family, even if you are not close to all of them. I am close to my parents now.. my brothers.. ehh.. not so much. I have a step sister that I see on holidays and such...

What I think people like me tend to do.. is fall into extended families. your friends families become yours and to an extent.. you become part of theirs. I had a death in my extended family this week. It was Blondie's grandkids grandpa... A very good man.. I respected him a great deal for his character.. his integrity.. and the most awesome love he showed for his grandkids.. They were all the light of his life.

What I found out though.. is I don't fit anywhere in this process.. My heart absolutely broke tonight when I saw the grandkids at his memorial.. a 5 and 9 year old.. their little bodies heaving as tears streamed down their faces.. and I could do nothing at all. I am a "fixer" and this one thing.. I could not fix.

I am not part of that family.. that was shown to me today.. It was shown to me very clearly.. I don't think anything that happened was meant in an exclusionary practice on purpose.. it just is what it is...Remember Sienfeld? I am Kramer... no one knows exactly why.. but I am always there...

I don't know if people think I don't hurt from this.. I do.. Do they think I am just supposed to accept it and move on? Maybe like something is missing, but since I am not "blood" it really shouldn't matter to me? that's just fucked up!

The funeral is tomorrow.. and yes.. I will attend.. and yes.. I will be shown that this is not MY family.. but I will be there to support them.. because in a weird way.. they are part of mine..

Maybe Bammy has been thinking too much today...

Rest in Peace Dick.. You were an awesome man.. Thank you.

3 comments:

PixieFlute said...

It doesn't make it hurt any less, but sometimes people who are family also don't feel like part of the family.

I'm sorry for your loss.

The Surprise Dyke said...

I come from a really small extended family-3 grandparents, 2 aunts, 1 cousin and I completely understand about having those non-related relatives. I'm so sorry that they are not treating you like family because although he wasn't a blood relative, he IS your family and no one can tell you otherwise. My parents' motto was always, "they are family because I said they are, not because genetics says they are." Hang in there!

apathy lounge said...

This has got to be difficult for you, I know. There's nothing quite like a funeral or a wedding to show you where you do or don't belong. Or at least...make you FEEL that you don't. I'm sorry that in their grief, those friends made you feel excluded. That has to hurt.