I found out something tonight.. as grateful.. and thankful as I am for my recovery.. I found out.. I took it for granted that I had it under control.. No.. I didn't relapse.. but.. I came as close to it as I have in 7 years.. I was reminded by someone in my life just how insidious.. how cunning.. and how sneaky this disease of addiction can be..
I have no one to blame but myself for getting into this position. I know what to do and I haven't been doing it.. I let life get in the way..I thought work, school and doing what I thought had to be done was enough.. What I forgot was this disease waits.. and waits.. until there is a crack and then it jumps right back into my head.. telling me.. it's ok.. its just a pill.. it's small.. no one will notice.. hell no one even has to know..
I know that if I had diabetes.. I wouldn't be chowing down on a candy bar.. or cotton candy.. or.. If I had high blood pressure.. I wouldn't be snacking on Fritos and peanuts.. so.. what the HELL was I thinking? Have I forgotten the being homeless.. sleeping in my car in a parking lot .. or sneaking food out of unlocked clubrooms in apartment complexes? Apparently so..
Yes.. I am angry at myself.. and I will get over it.. I will forgive myself because it isn't worth turning rage inward.. The trick is.. to learn.. do something about it.. and go on.. I will be at a meeting tomorrow.. maybe 2 or 3..
Other than that.. I have decided to sell this house.. I bought it to try and make something better for someone else.. and it turns out.. it hasn't.. and it hasn't done anything for me either.. It isn't home to me.. it's a house..slappin some paint in and around.. finishing the living room and putting it on the market.. probably not the best time to sell.. with the economy here as it is.. but.. if it comes down to a few dollars.. or my life.. guess what? I'll walk right away from this shell of a money pit and keep my life..
Thank you Sweet.. for reminding me..