Monday, March 12, 2007

ok.. The Announcement....

Seems the times that might try mens souls.. also try womens... The major news announcement that I thought would be relieving for me.. isn't so much.. I am more sad than I have been in a very long time.. I feel like my heart is literally breaking.. it hurts physically...

Home Chicken is now in jail for parole violations. I watched as she was being led to the police car and put in the back. I relived all that fear all over again.. the fear of whats gonna happen....the fear of losing everything.. the fear of just plain not knowing... I cried for her.. I cried for me... I cried for the friendship that has been twisted into a cluster fucked mess...

I know the anger and the pain she is feeling.. I have felt it.. lived it..I know the loss of control when you just can't NOT do dope.. hard as you try.. as many times as you promise..no matter what the risk or consequences.. and then there it is.. and you give in and go for it.. and the rage you feel against yourself.. the hopelessness and feelings of weakness.. the insidiousness of this disease sometimes still throws me for a loop...

I used to jokingly say I had a girlfriend and her name was Krystal Meth.. looking back.. it sure isn't a joke... I searched her out years ago.. she made me feel alive.. and then.. it got to the point.. that I know she tried to kill me.. If I hadn't gotten to the point of being homeless and in total fear of prison myself.. and I became ready and WILLING to make the changes I needed to make.. I would be right there with Home Chicken..

I also know that what is happening to her isn't my fault.. She made the choices she did and I made the choices I did. I chose to stand up for myself and get myself out of harm's way. I haven't been this close to relapsing in 7 years.. I know that would have been my choice to do that also... so.. I guess I'm not willing to suffer the consequences of those actions...

My hope and prayer is that someday she will understand why I did what I had to do.. as I finally came to the understanding of why my friend Mary did what she had to do.. Self-preservation and the greatest act of love one friend can have for another.. Seems kinda twisted I know.. and it took me a long time to understand it.. but I am grateful everyday that I get up and snuggle my puppy.. that I have a friend like that...

Sweet.. thank you for being with me tonight.. even if it was just on the phone.. you are my rock.. and my sanctuary in the storm... you know what is was like for me.. in the "place".. you know what I was like then.. and you have seen me become who I am now.. thank you for that... all that I have ever been through makes me who I am today... and this one thing.. I know.. is true...

God's plan for me.. will never take me.. to where God's grace.. will not protect me..

Charlie.. I hope you can hear my prayers for you.. know that because of our friendship.. because of what I promised your mother.. is why I had to do what I did.. I do love you my friend..

5 comments:

Cookie Monsterette said...

((((Bammy))))

Vickie said...

Pam, you did what you had to do .... and you know that "I" know how hard that is. Did it with my own daughter, so I do know the total anguish ....... but look at the long road ..... the end of this new road .... she MAY come out and do a 360 like you did. What you have done, has "helped" her, not hindered her ........ had you not done this, you would have kept on enabling.
You know I love you .... we kinda go back a long way ..... "Simba" ... it's gonna be okay ... tho it may take some time for all of this to sink in for you. @@@@@@Pamela@@@@@@@@@@

me said...

You're my hero, plain & simple. And when the time is right maybe you might want to share this with Charlie....just a thought.

Rainwolf said...

Good thoughts heading your way. Just take care of you, we're all responsible for ourselves.

CEDARFLAME said...

You know what I think, move the houe to another lot and change your name. Can I call you Pebbles now?