Thursday, January 17, 2008

Full Circle...

So.. I started my practicum this week at the same place I went to treatment... It is an awesome trip for me.. I feel like I have come full circle now.. and now is the time I can really give back what was freely given to me..

There have been a lot of changes since I was there.. the program I went through.. lasted from 6 to 9 months.. and had resulted in many women getting their lives back in order.. reuniting families... and making productive members of society.. Enter managed health care and budget cuts due to funding.. Now the program is anywhere from 30 days to 3-4 months... depending on homelessness and if there are children involved...

Does it cost more to keep one person there for 6 months.. rather than 2 people for 3 months each? I don't really get that part.. but.. ehh.. I know statistically.. people who stay in treatment longer.. have a better chance of staying clean than those who go for the 30 day "wonder cure." If money is the issue.. why not bank the bucks on what is proven to work.. rather than something that is proven not to?

Anyway.. I took a stroll through the buildings today.. and I went into the apartment I lived in during my stay... and WOW.. All the things that came back to me.. the feelings I went through there.. the anger that I felt having to be there... the fear.. the stubbornness.. the giving up.. or rather giving in... and the gratefulness of being there...

I know that on the outside.. I was the same person in August of 2000 that I was in November of 1999.. but.. on the inside.. it was like a rebirth.. I had shed so much of the crap.. the anger.. the resentments.. that had built up in those 20 some odd years of using.. and had it replaced with hope.. and with faith.. not only in myself.. but in people I had in my life..

There are times I miss the people I used to know.. but.. then I hear about them.. being arrested... or dying, still in the grips of the disease.. or as a direct result of the disease... and I know.. right then.. that I made the best decision of my life..

I have friends now that I can trust.. I have a relationship with my parents that some people envy.. I have me.. I might not always do the right thing.. or act the right way.. but the fact of the matter is this..

I'm not who I wanna be..
I'm not who I ought to be..
I'm not who I am gonna be...
But THANK GOD..
I'm not who I used to be...

I know I can't save the world out there.. but if I can make a small difference in someones life...help someone to see that drugs aren't the be all end all of life as they know it...then.. that moment.. will make it all worthwhile...

2 comments:

CEDARFLAME said...

The statistic I always remember from back when was that only 1 out of 9 people make it to sobriety, or getting clean. Those are pretty sucky odds, and you beat them. You know how I felt when I first met you, and how I feel now. I have nothing but respect for you when it comes to your "rebirth".

You have had a hard fight getting to this point in your life, I think you still have all it takes to get you where you want to go.

Let's hug.

SassyFemme said...

How amazing that you're working there.

I think if we each try to make a small difference, in just a few people's lives, and they then do the same, that's the best we can do. I think the potential for touching just one or two lives is highly underrated by many.